Tuesday, March 27, 2012

What is “Best.”

Every one always says; “you need to do what is best for you”. But what does that really mean? Take a simple situation I am in right now; to keep working or to go off soon due to my pregnancy. Some people are saying it is best for me to go off so I don’t have so much stress, and my body can rest. Some people say it’s best I go off soon to get my head wrapped around being home and let go of work before I have baby. But is it best for me financially to go off work? Is it really best for me mentally? How do you know what is best?

This has  been a huge struggle for me; I really don’t know what is best for me. I enjoy my work; yes I find it exhausting and stressful, but I know being home I find myself unmotivated and get depressed easier. I am still capable of doing my job, so shouldn’t I keep doing it? My doctor hasn’t said I need to go off, so why should I? The financial stress of waiting for EI is one that is on my mind alot, so shouldn’t I keep making as much money as possible? I really don’t know what to do.

The same goes for so many situations. How will I know what is best for my baby, or me or Dean. How do you know what is right until you try and see? I know I want to be happy, and that means doing what I want, problem is I don’t know what I want! I go through so many thoughts each day around if I want to be off or keep working, in the end I just keep working because it is easier and I feel it is “best” for now. I will probably keep doing this until a day comes that I just can’t get my butt out of bed enough days in a row that I feel I should stop working. For me right now that is what is best I think… we shall wait and see!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A year ago…

A year ago my focus was so different than it is now.

A year ago I was focused on myself and didn’t appreciate what I had.

A year ago my mother died suddenly completely changing my life forever.

I could not read my post from when I announced Mom’s death. It is a copy of the eulogy Dean said at her funeral and I know if I go and read them I will upset myself and go right back to that day. It is very odd how some of my memories of those few weeks are so clear they could have happened yesterday, but some things are so blurry and muddled it still doesn't always feel real. I can say I have dealt with the whole ordeal better than I thought I would. No one ever knows how they will deal with situations until they happen. People think they are strong when they aren't or they think they will be a mess when they pull through. I always thought I would be a mess, but I did so much better than I thought I would. There is no question I still am sad and still am dealing with my grief, but I am in a good place.

I have looked back on my posts from the last year and while at times they were few and far between I have noticed a shift over the year which has actually made me happy. A year ago I was pretty much obsessed with my body image. I was always focused on losing weight and being “thinner.” Over the year I did focus on my health. I had a personal trainer and I was active. I was still struggling with my eating and binging. However I was enjoying life, I was not as focused on what I looked like because I knew I was benefiting my body anyway. While I haven't been very active while being pregnant I am so happy to be having my baby in June and plan on getting a walk in daily as much as possible. I live by Shubie park and have a great neighbourhood with sidewalks and side streets.

Looking back on the last year I have had a lot of emotional stress. Needless to say some of it came from Mom’s death, however my job plays a huge roll in that stress. I recognized that stress and took some time for myself in August/September. I still struggle with my emotional stress. I have to say I need to stay focused on this part of my life. I still have along way to go with my emotions. One of my biggest fears about having our baby is what my emotions are going to do with little sleep and being in a new situation. Of course there is mixed blessings with being off work with a baby. As I mentioned alot of my stress comes from work, so being off will help with that, and I plan to work on finding a way to deal with that stress. Another fear for me is that being home will be a detriment to my emotional health. When I spend a lot of time alone I tend to do worse. I hope having a baby will give me more to work towards, and I have been trying to get myself organized when it comes to meal planning and keeping an organized house.

Over the past year I have definitely had alot happen, I have had alot of struggles but I truly feel even though I have a ways to go on dealing with some things I am stronger and a better person now than I was a year ago. I have one person to thank for helping me though this; my amazing husband Dean. I know if it wasn’t for him, I would be struggling alot more than I am now and who knows where I would have gone.

I love you Dean.

I miss you Mom.