Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Fingers crossed!

I am happy to say I am feeling better… for the past week I have been sick, not being able to take any cold medication was a real pain. I am definitely thankful for modern medicine now and am hoping not to have any more colds this season.

I have met the Doctor who will see me through the rest of my pregnancy. What I don’t understand is why I had to be passed off in the first place and she will not be the one who delivers the baby. Oh well, such is the case. I don’t know how I felt about her. I know she certainty wasn’t too keen on me going off work early. I can go off anytime now if I take some sick EI first, but she didn’t seem to think that was a good idea. While physically I am still able to do my job my stress level is very high and I don’t think that is good for the baby. But I guess if it becomes too much I can just go to my regular doctor and she can put me off.

I don’t want to jinx myself but I think I may have finally found some motivation. While off sick Tuesday I spent the morning making a meal plan and a cleaning schedule. The meal plan includes lots of meals that will make leftover since Dean isn’t home for supper alot anymore. As for the cleaning schedule it may sound funny to some but for me it is what keeps me going. I need lists to check off to keep motivated and want to get things done. The hard thing will be getting Dean on board with my lists. He can just get things done without really thinking about them, but me I really need lists and specific tasks, other wise I find I just sit on my butt.

So hears hoping I can stay on top of everything, I feel pretty good about it right now, but only time will tell!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Thinking it all out…

I think I might finally be able to get some thoughts out in writing. My head has been very full the past few days and I just feel very overwhelmed.

There are alot of things going on in my life, the biggest is probably work. I have been waiting for the day I can go off work, but I don’t know when that will be. I can go off of work the end of this month, but money wise it probably isn’t the best idea. I am still capable of work physically, but mentally I am wiped out. I also don’t have alot of sick time left and with lots of appointments I will start not getting paid for my sick days. I could also probably drop down and work 4 days a week, that would be more money than EI. So I don’t know what the best thing to do is.

When it comes to figuring that out I meet with my new doctor next Monday – the one who will be delivering my baby. I am hoping she can give us some insight about when the best time to be off is. I am also anxious about meeting the new doc. I just started a relationship with my regular one and now I need to start all over again. I am pretty critical when it comes to doctors and what they should do. I guess it comes from working with them.

The one thing about being off work that won’t be an advantage is being home alone. I do not deal well with being alone alot. I tend to get into my thoughts too much and end up not being productive. I need to find a sense of motivation and get into a routine. Its really not easy for me and I am really scared it will end up badly.

I am really not sure how much of this makes sense, I just know that it feels better getting some of it out. I really want to feel motivation to get things done around the house, I want to feel like I have a routine and I need to feel like a good wife/mother. I guess the question is how do I do that?

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Outside Looking In

I had a hard time writing this post, finding the right words to express how I feel, I still don’t even know if what I want to say is still all here, but it get alot out.

I don’t have alot of friends, in fact I could probably count the number of friends I have on one hand. I have people I talk to at work, but I would never be out with them outside of work. I spend most of my time at work, or at home. I socialize with very few people outside of work, and most of the time I like it that way. But lately I have felt very alone. I think some of it is because of the coming baby. I am realizing how few people I have to rely on. As I realize my nights alone are coming to an end I feel like I should be getting out and doing things, probably is I have no friends to do it with. Dean works almost every weekend and with only a few people left on that list of friends my options are slim.

Realizing this makes me miss my Mom alot. She was one person I could always call to talk to or make plans with. I don’t have anyone I feel just calling. I am so frustrated and feeling so down and alone. I truly don’t mean to be having a pity party but it does sort of sound that way.

My whole life I have never had very many friends. I guess I could always say I was liked in a group, but I always felt like I was outside looking in, never really included. I know I am partly to blame, I don’t include myself alot. I don’t make a huge effort to be around people, it’s one thing I would like to change. But how do you change a way of life you have been living since you were little?

I don’t like loud people who are always putting in, and I feel that may be the only way to become involved. I am shy and don’t share alot at first, some people may take it as me being a snob, but really I just don’t think people want to know all about my life with hubby and the cats, I have gone out with new friends a few times and have always enjoyed myself. But then I always over think things and feel as though I said or did something that made someone mad. I again make myself feel like I am on the outside looking in.

Well I think that is all I have to say… Thank you to those who are my friends, and those who try to be too.