Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Wow, I feel like time just flies by sometimes. Hubby and I have been married for 2 years! We have had a pretty good week. We went out to dinner and we spent the day shopping. We didn’t buy anything just shopped around. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and I am also blessed that Mom got to share my wedding day with me.

 Holly's wedding spet 12 2009 030

I am back to work Monday, I am excited to go back and get a routine going again. I have gained alot of perspective and I think I found what is really important. I have set some goals for myself and also discovered some things I love again.

The rest of the week will involved getting some lunches made and relaxing. I might get my hair cut, and I might go buy some new clothes, but for the most part I will be relaxing at home with my hubby!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Guilt… Lots of guilt

So I have been doing this whole thing where I am working on my self, health and emotions. Dad is coming to visit tomorrow and I have had Mom’s camera at my place and he wants it back. So I thought I would take the pictures off it, that is why I had it in the first place.

Enter guilt trip extraordinaire! I found what I believe is the last picture that was taken of my Mom. What makes me so sad and guilty is that I was there and I refused being in the picture. I could have had a chance to be in that photo, Mom asked me to be in that photo, and I was being to petty and stupid and said no.


My cousin, mother and grandmother. 3 generations just not the right ones. I should have been in that picture. The worst of it is that it also made me realize that I will never have a 3 generation picture with my mom. I have one with my great grandmother, even though she passed away when I was only a baby,

The other thing I realized is that I have changed alot in the last 6 months. Things that used to be so important are really stupid and petty. Life is more important than being mad about people being late or what you have for a holiday dinner.

What I now know is that I have to take as many opportunities as I can to spend time with my father and other family, I need to remember the time spent and not how it is spent but that it is spent with family, friends, and being happy.

I miss Mom everyday, some days are harder than others, Today was a rough one, I can’ only hope that tomorrow will be better.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Six Months, Ups & Downs.

SAM_0451  Wow, first off it’s hard to believe that it’s been 6 months since my mom passed away. I have certainly had some ups and downs. When Mom passed away I almost immediately decided to change my lifestyle for the better. We joined the gym and I was eating better, I was finding stress relief in the gym and for a long time was feeling good. Then about 6 – 8 weeks ago things started to slip. Alot in my life was causing me stress and anxiety and I really was not coping well at all. Some people would say that I entered the “depression” stage of my grief, and maybe that was true, but I think alot of it was that I lost myself and started focusing on other people instead of myself. I have this time off to rediscover who I want to be and I talked last time about setting goals and finding what I want in life. While I am now officially registered for the Valley Harvest 5K. Dean registered  us yesterday and I honestly had thoughts of doubt and fear while he was doing it. But we went to the gym yesterday and I ran for 11 minuets straight and I also managed to walk/run 2 miles in 26 minuets… not to shabby. Dean is planning on doing the 1/2 marathon and this morning we set up a training schedule for him and finalized mine as well. It is real now!

The past few days have been pretty good, although I have had Dean home with me and that has alot to do with it. Saturday we went on a hike with Lynn and Jason. It was along the Crowbar Trail with great views and lots of incline! It was a great way to burn some calories and spend time with friends. There is a longer trail that I would love to go back to do next spring. SAM_1190SAM_1194SAM_1193

Yesterday Dean spend the day in the kitchen after our trip to the gym, he made stock, pasta sauce and barbeque sauce. I love that my husband would rather have homemade things than going out the store to buy it, and that he makes it himself. We have not bought pasta sauce since moving into our house, we also have not bought store made bread since buying out bread maker a few months ago, I don’t know how much money we save, but I can only think that we do, plus the real things are healthier and have less chemicals in them.

Today I stepped on the scale, it is slowly climbing back up. So I decided to track my food again and today was the starting point. I really am not focusing so much on losing weight, more on getting enough protein/iron in and having a balanced day. I do have it set to lose 1/2 pound per week but really I just want to feel good. If you feel good you look good!

Hope everyone is having a great Labour Day!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Re thinking the process

It has been a while since I blogged, I have stayed caught up on everyone else though.

I have had to take some time off work. Between work, and life I was not in a good state. I was crying almost everyday and a ball of nerves at work. I have realized somewhere in the last six weeks I stopped making myself a priority. After Mom died I made the decision to be healthy and make myself the most important thing. With Dad coming home, work being busy and other family crap I lost sight of myself. I stopped eating well I stopped being active, always finding the excuses that i have used my whole life; “I am to busy”, “It’s too nice out”, “I will tomorrow”. I have to find some goals, both short term and long term and I need to make a plan to follow through. I need to work on managing my stress and anxiety. I need to find healthy ways to deal with my guilt and grief. My doctor has been very helpful making me realize that taking two weeks off when Mom first passed away was no where near enough. That is why I have this time off now.

The one thing I have kept up is my personal training, I did miss a few sessions but overall that has been my only real activity in the past few weeks. However today I achieved a huge milestone for me… I ran at 5.0 for ten minuets. I have never done that before! I am extremely pleased with this, but at the time my trainer was very honest… I can be better, I can do better. He has noticed I have not been committed to this one-hundred percent. I haven't been, I haven't hit the gym unless it’s been to see John. I haven't been walking as much as I could be, I haven't had the energy to tell the truth, and I need to fight though this and just do it!

So one thing I need to work on are some goals. I have really never had alot of goals I have wanted. I don’t dream big, I grew up with little and don’t take what I have for granted. I am a homebody and would rather have movie marathons on the couch then go on a trip. However I need something to work towards in life or else I will end up feeling like I didn’t accomplish anything. I want to focus on a few areas in my life; active living, organization/home life, adventure/new thing, and personal upkeep.

My first goal is to run the Valley Harvest 5K. My trainer feels this is totally do-able and after running for 10 minuets I do to. I have found a 5 week training program that starting Monday I will stick to! As for goals go, I also have 2 passes to try hot yoga, and I have joined up for a Zumba class.

I also plan to book a massage and get a pedicure, eye brow wax and hair cut. We also are planning a night away, just not sure where yet. I also plan to get back into blogging, I find it is very helpful for me to write down how I feel and what I want to plan. I can lay things out here and see where I should be going.

I leave you with a picture that I took on my road trip with Lynn.