Outside Looking In

I had a hard time writing this post, finding the right words to express how I feel, I still don’t even know if what I want to say is still all here, but it get alot out.

I don’t have alot of friends, in fact I could probably count the number of friends I have on one hand. I have people I talk to at work, but I would never be out with them outside of work. I spend most of my time at work, or at home. I socialize with very few people outside of work, and most of the time I like it that way. But lately I have felt very alone. I think some of it is because of the coming baby. I am realizing how few people I have to rely on. As I realize my nights alone are coming to an end I feel like I should be getting out and doing things, probably is I have no friends to do it with. Dean works almost every weekend and with only a few people left on that list of friends my options are slim.

Realizing this makes me miss my Mom alot. She was one person I could always call to talk to or make plans with. I don’t have anyone I feel just calling. I am so frustrated and feeling so down and alone. I truly don’t mean to be having a pity party but it does sort of sound that way.

My whole life I have never had very many friends. I guess I could always say I was liked in a group, but I always felt like I was outside looking in, never really included. I know I am partly to blame, I don’t include myself alot. I don’t make a huge effort to be around people, it’s one thing I would like to change. But how do you change a way of life you have been living since you were little?

I don’t like loud people who are always putting in, and I feel that may be the only way to become involved. I am shy and don’t share alot at first, some people may take it as me being a snob, but really I just don’t think people want to know all about my life with hubby and the cats, I have gone out with new friends a few times and have always enjoyed myself. But then I always over think things and feel as though I said or did something that made someone mad. I again make myself feel like I am on the outside looking in.

Well I think that is all I have to say… Thank you to those who are my friends, and those who try to be too.