I am not an inspiration.

It’s that simple. I read some blogs and people are so positive and truly inspirational. I am not. This is not a bad thing, it is just how it is.  To the right is the newest picture of me. Do I look bad? I didn’t think so that day. But looking at it now I see a tummy and a chin, they don’t make me happy. Some days I don’t care… that day I didn’t. But today I do, I saw myself at work and was not happy with how I looked. I saw myself at home with one of Deans sweaters on and I was not happy. I have an addiction to food. I cannot limit myself. I also have a problem getting my ass off the couch. I know inside that if I got my ass up and worked out 5 days a week I would loose weight. But I honestly don’t know why I can’t seem to do that. I cannot seem to find motivation in anything.

Basically what I am saying is this; some days I can live at this weight and some days I can’t. Does that mean someday I eat well and work out and someday I don’t? Those aren’t very good habits are they?

I am so sick and tired of feeling back and forth with this weight loss. This is by far one of my hardest things to deal with. I just wish I could be happy and not do anything or get motivated and do something about it. Anyone have any insight into how to find some motivation?

Ok enough about this negative crap. Here is the positive. Dean and I got out for a small walk and ice cream tonight. I find it really helps to get out of our basement for a bit in the evening. (The ice cream is good too!) Also work was a good productive day, tomorrow I am on education which I enjoy, but I don’t enjoy getting off at 5 in traffic! Also in the positive category tonight is the amazing meal  Dean cooked tonight;

Pulled pork Sandwiches with homemade BBQ sauce and turnip fries with Curry dip!   Yummy!

And the last always positive thing; my kitty. He is lying in a very weird position which is normal for him… any one else find it weird?

Words from a girl

Wow that weekend flew right by. I can tell you I have a love/hate relationship with my weekends. I love not working but hate being board. I hate not having a house to take pride in and not having errands to run. I am just really frustrated with everything lately and honestly I’m making myself sick with all the negative crap.

I didn’t weigh in today because I was at Lynn’s I also haven’t tracked today or since like Wednesday. I didn’t eat bad though, and people keep saying that I look like I am losing weight, not sure how that happens since the number won’t change.

My weekend was pretty relaxed and I enjoyed it for the most part. Me and Dean have some stuff to work though and it’s been alot of talk and stuff so this week will be intense I think.

Work wise this week is also crazy busy. I am on course Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday. I also have my performance appraisal Friday… not really concerned about that I know I try my hardest at my job.

So I see my week as being busy and I just hope that by the weekend I feel better. I can only hope.

Here’s for a good week!

Quickie

I have a quickie post for you to share some random thoughts;

• I had Boston Pizza for supper tonight… the meal was ok, the time spent away from home with the hubby was worth every cent.
• Hubby totally broke my mouse for me laptop, so I now have a pretty new wireless blue one.
• Interpersonal communication is very important.
• So is relaxation.
• I might possible work 16 hours tomorrow so I can make an extra 200 dollars.
• Taxes suck.
• If we follow the budget we should be out of here in 10 months…
• 10 months is a very VERY long time.

And now it’s off to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday!

The walk and the Ice-cream

So today I almost had a panic attack. I was driving home and completely got short of breath and really nervous. I made it though but it was difficult. I have a few reasons which may of brought it on but not one event in particular.

After supper I got a phone call from some good friends who love me and are concerned about me. I really appreciate it! Thanks!

After supper me and Dean went out for some ice cream and a walk.

The first one of the season! And then because I am apparently not an ice cream cone expert it landed on the ground :(

But I then had something to laugh about and enjoyed the walk all the same. 

Two more work days left! I cannot wait for the weekend. I haven't been sleeping well and just want to sleep all day long. Hopefully I will sleep good tonight since I didn’t nap!

Ups and Downs… Ins and Outs

Ugh. Today has been up and down. I worked 16 hours yesterday so I could get today off and spend time with my husband! Now that he’s working we don’t have a whole day off together very often and it was nice to wake up and not have to go anywhere.

Breakfast was really good, Dean made us egg Sammie's with tatziki(sp) and cucumber. The combination went really well. Better then I thought it would originally. We chilled around until a bit later and then headed into the city. We shopped around at Costco and stuff.

When we got back home I was again in a crappy mood. The truth of the matter is I am not a happy person here. This place is just not a happy place for me anymore and it is effecting my mental health and physical health.

So we have started looking for places to live. Any suggestions would be fantastic. Only thing is Dean wants a Washer and Dryer in unit/house!

Could this be it?

I am so sick and tired of saying that this week will be it and re-motivating myself. I was up a full pound this morning. Today I had an awesome day. But tomorrow it could be completely different. I am going to try very hard to track everyday. I will also be trying to walk 4 days a week.

Today I walked for 30 minuets. But the worst of it is that when I came back all I could smell was Mom’s cigarette smoke which to me almost deprives the point of trying to be healthy if I am sucking back all the second hand smoke! Sooo Frustrating.

So here is for a good week ahead for everyone.

Relay for Life 2010

Wow what an event. If anyone has ever faced Cancer think about making 2011 your year to Relay.

Last year I was walking in honour of my Papa who was still fighting. This year is was in memory. And that is why I walk. I walk in honour of my Father-in-law who fought and won. And I will walk next year and the year after that and the year after that.

This year I was with Scotiabank “Banking for a cure” thanks to my oldest friend. Who as of this morning raised a total of 5,390.00.

And of course Lynn and I got to meet Tash who joined our team this year.  And Lynn was one of the top fundraisers! Go Lynn!

For me other than the Luminary ceremony the biggest things that stick out this year are;

1. They sold out of Luminaries – that is both wonderful (means people are buying them to raise money) and sad (means there are that many people affected by cancer)
2. There was a little girl and her older sister who both cut their hair and I think were donating it to Locks of Love.

Then the Luminary Ceremony. It is so touching and so emotional that I get teary eyed still thinking about it. For any one who can't do all night events even if you just fundraise and stay for this event… It will truly change your life.

I also want to say thank you to Jamie who  brought us caffeine when we needed it. Also to Scotiabank who will match some of our donations and to everyone who participated and helped make this event possible. We are all Heroes!

Where is the motivation??

Wow I have no motivation, I wish I knew how to find some or get some. I really evaluated my look at things. Here are some questions I asked myself;

• Am I happy in general?
• No. This is not only due to my weight but also due to my living situation and work. I am very nervous to admit that I have alot of issues, and because I haven't worked them all out in my own head yet I can’t get into them too much.
• Am I happy with my weight?
• Yes… and no. I am not happy with the number on the scale, or the BMI. I am still considered obese. However most days I am happy with the way my cloths fit. I don’t think I will ever get to the goal of a “healthy” BMI but I would like to lose more weight. Especially when today someone asked me if I was pregnant… No I’m not!
• What do I want to achieve?
• I want a healthy lifestyle with healthy habits.. this I have not achieved yet. I want to be able to teach my kids the right way to do things and let them be active and I want to be active with them. I also want to increase my confidence… which has been pretty low.
• Is it worth it?
• I guess the real question here is if I am worth it. Honestly the place I am in right now is scary. And alot of my thoughts are negative and I am doubting if I am worth it. I know the right answer is I am worth it but believing it is the hard part.

Wow so after that crazy rant there ya go. I said I was going to be honest and there ya go that is honesty in it’s crazy ranting thoughts.