Body Image

Well I feel alot better than yesterday. I was off today for a Doctor’s appointment (have to get more blood work!) and the sun was shining! Being alone with my thoughts really helped. Plus eating is so much easier at home than at work. There are so many less temptations, and I know that is part of my problem and has been for a long time. Went to the trainer and did a great workout. I am really feeling good about my physical strength and I am very happy that I have received comments from my trainer in the past week like “you really look like an athlete doing that” and “that is the most you have pushed yourself since we started”.

I got some great support after my post yesterday. Something really hit home with me and has really been making me think. Tracy had this to say:

Lastly, I don't know how much you want to lose-but when I met you-you didn't look overweight to me at all. So, could the other possibility be that you don't have much to lose, so it's slower for it to come off?

I really am think about that. We all know that the gym is full of mirrors right? Well in my gym when I walk into the locker room I walk right into a mirror. When I look in that mirror I am happy with what I see face on, but then I turn. I don’t like my profile. And mostly my stomach. But will losing weight change that? I don’t know. Maybe I need to stop focusing on my weight. I am stronger than I was 3 months ago, I have more energy, I deal with my stress better. I do see alot of benefits and have no desire to stop my activity. Dean has suggested that I put the scale away for a while and just do what I am doing. It is making a difference!

What are your thoughts on body image and weight?

Why I always quit.

Well here it comes again. The desire to say F*** it and quit this stupid tracking food crap and counting calories. I know it works, I am seeing it work for alot of people. But it is not working for me! I have not lost anything since I started tracking. Now it could be that I am building muscle, it could be that I am losing inches. But in all honesty I don’t believe it. Sure I am stronger and I feel better physically. But mentally I have seen very little success so therefore feel like I have not accomplished anything.

The real problem lies in the fact that I become obsessed with food. I want to eat and then I do but then I feel bad. I over eat and then beat myself up over it all day long, even though I am still within my calories. I get hungry around 8:00 and want a snack, knowing that I shouldn’t. I want to give up and just say screw it for the night.

This is not a new struggle, it’s a constant struggle. I cannot find that balance between knowing what to eat and having to think about everything I eat. I cannot find that inner voice that turns food down. I just get so frustrated with everything about tracking and counting. Part of me always just thinks if I exercise I will lose the weight. Clearly that isn’t happening, but my mind still thinks it. I am just at the point where I don’t feel like I can do this for the rest of my life. Which I know I will need to do, at least somewhat,

So what will I do… I’m not really sure, but at least I have gotten my feelings out.

Wonder Weekend

Wow what a great weekend it’s been so far! The sun is out and I feel good about the oncoming week.

Yesterday I cleaned the house and relaxed for a bit. Then it was off to the trainer. I think it is safe to say I have entered the cardio zone of my time with him. I was moving across the gym constantly and was pretty sweaty and gross by the end, but it felt so good, and I am not sore today which I truly thought I would be.

I got a lovely surprise after coming home from the gym. Dean was home! He is never off that early on a Saturday, even though I always hope for it. So we headed out and did some shopping… alot of shopping actually. First up was to go and try to find a picture for our bedroom wall. I want a beach or ocean scene but we didn’t find one, what we did find was this;                                     “Always Kiss me Goodnight”

While it will go in the bedroom it won’t be going where I was looking for a picture.

We also found these: These will be going downstairs in our rec room.

 

 

 

 

We then headed to Costco to pick up a few things. We got some great Contigo water bottles and travel mugs, plus I picked up another pair of Tuff Athletics capri pants. I am in love with there yoga pants/capri’s and the X-lg are not starting to fall down when I run!

Last but not least we hit up a garden center and I bought some plants to tidy up my gardens. I am not much of a green thumb but have some ideas of what I want to do. I planted them today and will wait until things are in bloom to show you all. Other than gardening today we also hit up the gym and enjoyed some time on the deck. Dean is making steak on the BBQ and I see a walk after supper in the works. I am so motivated right now that I almost forgot to tell you all that I gained in my weigh in this morning. But I am moving on and up (down?) this week with a crackdown on my habits.

Until next time!

I Can Fly… Or Die

Well I am actually going to work backwards from this evening to Tuesday. I have wanted to talk about Tuesday’s training session since it happened but just haven't got the time/motivation to sit down and write. So I am watching WWE and looking at my favourite man Randy Orton. I realize how bad WWE can be at times, but the man candy is fun and it makes hubby happy that I watch it with him!

Tonight we went to Salty’s tonight, were I had my most favourite dessert ever! Blueberry grunt! I love it and it was well worth the calories and money! We have however been eating out alot lately. We really need to stop that and I really need to get my eating back in order. It’s been hard for me this week. I have a really hard time balancing all or nothing. We went to the gym tonight after going out to eat and really I don’t know how but I managed to compete week 2 run 3 of my 5K running program. However now my knees and hips are absolutely killing me and I am dreading the trainer tomorrow.

Yesterday I was on a course all day and over ate due to there being Dairy Queen Sundays!! Who excepted that in the afternoon break! The course was on team work and productivity and was pretty interesting. However like most courses I take I am very excited and have all these ideas when I leave and then I get back to work, or reality as it is, and things go back to normal… ugh work, another post entirely.

Wednesday we hit the gym, I tried a new piece of equipment they put in recently and I didn’t not like it. My hips felt like they were going to give out and I couldn’t find a comfortable pace/position. I was glad to have gotten out and did it though. I also listened to my first Podcast. Lynn had mentioned them a while ago and I went and looked up a few. I don’t know if I could listen to them running yet but for all other cardio and walking I think it will be a nice change of pace from time to time.

So now we have gotten to Tuesday where I learned to fly… or so it seemed.  I was jumping all over the gym for my workout with Jon. And by jumping I literally mean jumping. My routine went something like this:

• Kettle Throws (20lbs) followed by lateral jumps (jumping across a rope latter and back). 15 reps, 3 sets
• Frog Jumps (jumping as far forward as I can) down the gym floor, followed by walking lunges back. 3 sets
• I was then put on the treadmill and walked for walking 2.5 minuets then I ran for 2.5 minuets. This was the first time I ran with my trainer and he was actually pretty impressed.
• I then did a super set of ladder hops (jumping twice in each ladder square) followed by bench jumps (jumping over the bench), (20). Then did 15 boat curls (ab exercise). 3 sets.
• I then did 15 crunches followed by a plank. I managed to hold the plank for 40 seconds which is pretty good for me, especially following everything I had just done. 2 sets.

I was pretty nervous with all the jumping. I am far from graceful and honestly thought I would fall. But in reality I didn’t even almost fall once. I guess I am more graceful than I thought I was. I guess maybe I need to learn to trust my trainer and that he isn’t asking me to do things he doesn't think I can do! Off to another session tomorrow!

Victoria Day!

When last I blogged I was having a really bad day. I am very happy to report that I feel alot better. Friday I was thinking about taking a break off from the gym and just being as active in life as I could be. I was missing my Mom and I was feeling really down.

Well Friday evening while Dean was working late I somehow got my butt off the couch and went to the gym. I am doing a 5K training program and did 25 minuets of 3:2 intervals. I felt great afterword's and my mood sky rocketed.

Saturday I had another pretty good day. I went to my training session and I drank enough water to float away. My training session was comprised of the following;

• Rowing 500M, Jon tells me I am getting better and faster at this but it still feels like torture.
• A “push/pull” with 25 lbs., both sides, followed by bench burpies. 15 reps 2 sets.
• Squats holding a 9lb body bar above my head, followed by abs with medicine ball. Again 15 reps 2 sets
• Went on the treadmill until my heart rate was 165 then held for 5 minuets.
• Super set of Arm Raises front (5lb) and side (3lb), followed by Hip Raises and elbow to knee crunches. 10 arm reps followed by 15 reps of the other two and 3 sets!

Needless to say I was a big sweaty mess by the time it was over and could not wait to get home and shower. Also Amy posted this. While it made me cry, it also made me feel hopeful that someday I can tell some one I have been that long without my mom and I am doing ok.  Saturday we also made a trip to Dairy queen where I indulged a little with a sunday.

Yesterday was weigh day where I had an unexpected loss. I am now in the 170’s! I was very excited, but a little confused since I over ate more than I had in previous weeks but had a bigger loss than I’ve had in a long time. I am now wondering if maybe I am not eating enough due to all my exercise and training? Maybe I will experiment and see what happens. We also made a trip to Pete’s yesterday but didn’t find anything too exciting. We also had a good workout at the gym. The evening was spent having a nice supper out and a few glasses of wine at home. I was very relaxed.

Today we spent cleaning and enjoying the sun (the weather doesn't look good until next weekend again). We spent time mowing the lawn and walking around the neighbourhood. I spent some time with my aunt and apparently got sunburnt! I am currently very content and going into my week with a good attitude and the plan to keep active and eat well!

Just Maybe.

Well TGIF! This week has been hellish, and for not real reason at all. I have been fighting a sore throat now for 2 weeks. It could just be weather related but it’s very annoying and has been dragging me down. Plus I have been super sleepy. I cannot pin down why, I have been sleeping well, and taking my iron and B12 so I don’t think that would be it. The only think I can think of is that my emotions have been all over the place and that might have something to do with it.

I miss my Mom. This week has been really bad. I do very well at work and around people, but when it is just me or me and hubby I get very sad and have cried alot this week. I know this will all take time and I know it’s to be excepted but I don’t want to be sad. Dean doesn't know how to help me and I don’t know what to tell him. All I want to be able to do is pick up the phone and chat with her. We have had alot going on in our life and I want to share it with her. I talk to my Dad but he’s not a big talker and so making conversation is hard even with all the good things going on.

This week gets topped off by the fact that I hurt myself pretty badly at the trainer on Tuesday. It’s almost healed today but Wednesday and Thursday I could barely get up the stairs. This has led to little or no exercise in the past two days. I want to get out and do something, but finding the energy is hard. I know I will feel better once doing it but it’s been so hard for me to get out and do it. I fear my strength is slipping and that I will give up. But I don’t want to give up! I have tracked everything this week, even though it wasn’t the best week food wise. I will likely see a gain on the scale and I am ok and have already come to terms with that. I just don’t know how to pick up and get going again!

My thoughts are telling me to take the weekend “off” and for the most part I mean “exercise”. I am in the habit of tracking now and I have learned to accept it if I go into the red. But maybe I need some time away from the gym and just try to do things naturally instead of forcing activity. The lawn needs to be mowed and the house cleaned. We plan on going out to my parents house to do some things. Maybe we can just include activity into our weekend with out it being we “have to” do something.

Just Maybe…

A Day in the Life

Well every Tuesday and Saturday I grumble about going to my personal training session. And to be honest every Saturday I think about calling and cancelling. However with encouragement from my hubby and the fact that I know how good I feel after I suck it up and go.

So yesterday I grumbled and groaned. I was running late and I still ended up at the gym waiting for my Trainer. I have never done the same routine twice with him, which is good because it always keeps me on my toes. Usually I can’t remember what I did or at least all of it. However yesterday I did remember and I wrote it down so I could share it all with you.

When I first get to the gym I always hop on the Elliptical for at least 10 minuets. Jon (my trainer) meets me while I am on the Elliptical and away we go. Yesterday this is what I did;

• 15 side lunges, with 10lb weights in each arm, on each leg. Followed by 15 leg lifts and then 3 side leg lifts on each side. Repeat x3.
• 15 Lunges on Bosu (the half ball) on each leg. Followed by what I call side pulls, which work you side abs, with 20lbs of weights, on each side. Repeat x2
• Bench pushes (oh yes the benches you sit on when you do a bench press) across the gym floor and back. Followed by 20 crunches on the ball. Repeat x3.
• 15 Triceps pulls (15lbs), followed by 15 bicep curls (20lbs). Repeat x2.

Then he tells me to go do cardio! I am poor at that part after already being at the gym for at least an hour. I stretch a bit in the change room then head home where I make a protein shake with powder and milk. Later in the day I have a hot shower and stretch again in the shower.

I am actually glad I remembered this workout because today I am almost as sore as I was after the first session I had with Jon. So there you have it, the hour flies by and there is always at least 500 calories burned!

It’s back!

My motivation has found it’s way back to my mind. I am so glad that it is back. I felt some of it Saturday after my training session. It feels so good to be lifting weights and being strong and doing things I wouldn’t think I could do. Even though I was feeling really crappy on Saturday I went and did it and felt alot better. I also really focused on eating the 4 food groups and drinking lots of water. I felt so much better even after one good meal.

Then Sunday I just had an overall good day with hubby. We walked early in the morning and just spent the day together it was very mentally relaxing and helped get me ready for the week. I also kept my eating in check which is sometimes hard for me to do.

But I really rediscovered my motivation today at the gym. About 2 months ago I bought some yoga pants from Costco. Size XL. Today at the gym while running on the treadmill they were falling down! While this suck in the sense that I will have to go buy new work out clothes it is a definitely motivator for me. It is one of those signals I have been looking for. Plus today I ate well at work, another thing that for me is very hard.

Well I am looking forward to the rest of the week, and I have a four day weekend this weekend which is very exciting! Plans include personal training, cleaning, a trip to value village and possible re-organizing the shed to include out camping gear.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Holly’s Hobbies

Happy Sunday!

Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Mine has been pretty good, I just wish the sun would come out for a bit!

Does anyone remember this from December?

I have been cross-stitching for a while now, I had at one point started a blog for that alone but felt I didn’t make enough progress to keep up with it, But I might start it up again just for my own sake. Anyway here is what it looks like now; you can actually tell what it is suppose to be!

I love seeing things come together. This has been what I have been doing while watching TV. We have Netflix and are enjoying it immensely. We have watched many movies and alot of TV shows.

Another great hobby of mine is reading. I am currently reading a book from the Harry Potter series, and also read alot of Stephen King. I was at one point doing book reviews which I want to start up again next time I read a stand alone book (I read alot of series).

And the last hobby I want to mention is my video games. I am not into them as much as I was in the past but still love to sit down and play a good RPG, and Dean and I love playing the Lego games. We are currently playing Lego Star Wars and it is a hoot! It is fun quality time spent working on something together rather than staring at the TV and him reading and me Cross-stitching.

So stay tuned for some book reviews and cross-stitching progress updates. What are some of your hobbies?

Where did it go?

You know that great feeling of control and power that you get when you are eating well and exercising? The motivation that we all get when we are into the groove and doing well? Or what about the feeling of success when we say no to that chocolate, or hit the gym even though we are falling asleep standing up? Well all that has gone missing for me.

I have not tracked anything since yesterday at lunch… and my choices have not been the best. I did not go to the gym yesterday and will not be going today. This is how it always starts. No matter how motivated I feel it eventually just goes away. I could probably come up with thousands of triggers for why my motivation has decided to up and leave, but the truth is it boils down to two things. 1) I am not seeing the weight loss or seeing the inches go away. 2) I am starting to feel like doing this doesn't matter.

No this is not meant to be a pity post. I know I am in control of this. I know that I need to nip it in the butt now. I am not giving up, I am simply struggling. I am hoping that by blogging about this I will wake up tomorrow morning back on track. Also I still have my personal training and I will not just throw away the money I spent on me.

However that being said I still feel like I am stuck. I haven't lost weight, and sure I probably gained muscle, but I don’t feel like that matters. My clothes don’t fit any better, and sure I don’t jiggle in as many places before but I don’t feel like it matters. I feel as though I could work out until forever and nothing would change. I feel like I can eat bang on and nothing will change. I know that is not true and I know what is more important is that I am healthy and have energy and can function through the day. I know that the gym for me is a huge stress reliever and that if I didn’t have it I would probably be a mental mess.

I am just getting discouraged that I will probably have to count calories the rest of my life, that I will probably always have to go to the gym, which isn’t all bad, to keep my weight in control. I know this time is different just because of what I am writing now. I will not give up, I just don’t know how to re-motivate myself! I would love to have some sort of victory that would make me feel like this is all worth it again!

Personal Growth recap

Wow it’s been almost six weeks since I started my personal training. Time really does go by fast. I was looking back and I realized my pictures really suck of my before. I am going to try and get some good ones this week. I still have a ways to go!

In the six weeks I have had some good and bad times at the gym. I have developed a pretty good relationship with my trainer and he really is learning how to push me and how I work. I have done some things I would have never thought possible and have hurt in places I didn’t even know I had.

I have been on My Fitness Pal for a month now and have tracked most of what I was eating. I don’t always make good choices but even when I fail I track what goes in and I feel very motivated to get to the gym when I am in the RED.

However given all that, and I do recognize it as success. I feel ripped off some how. I have not lost any weight and I don’t see any change in my body. I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, and I actually don’t. I am just frustrated that I am putting alot of time and work into this and not feeling much progress. And really that is a lie too because I am feeling better I am managing my emotions very well and my stress level is lower. for a while I had more energy, but that has laxed the past 2 weeks.

Over all I am doing well, I just feel that if I don’t see some progress in lost weight or looser clothes I will get upset and start giving up!