What they don’t teach.

Wow, Abigail will be 6 weeks on Wensday. It is very hard for me to belive. That being said we are still riding that huge learning curve that comes with being parents. And let me tell you there is alot the don’t teach when it comes to being parents. In no particular order a list of what I learned or was not told.

• Breastfeeding is hard. I am now pumping breastmilk full time. It was hard work, I did not recive the support in hospital and Abby had trouble too. No one tells you about things like flat nipples, fast let downs, or babies being toung tied.
• You may not instantly bond with your baby. For me I am still struggling with this. Motherhood is not what I had thought and this is causing me to struggle with my bonding.
• You will understand why parents can resort to shaking their child. When your baby cries non stop there is nothing you want more than for them to calm down. While holding your baby you get very frustrated. It is better to let them cry, put them down and walk away. You yourself will then probably cry.
• You will not be told how much you will cry. It’s not a walk in the park, infact even a walk to the park can make you cry. It is work to take Abby anywhere, we are either lugging the stroller/carseat or need to have her strapped on one of us.
• You are lucky to enjoy a whole sit down meal at once. Dean cooks, and it never fails that Abby will get upset or wake up as soon as we sit down to eat casuing one of us to need to get up and go to her.
• You will be anxious when your baby sleeps. Yep if she is quiet for too long I get stressed out and need to go see her and make sure she is breathing.

While I know there are probably more this is all I can think of for now. Baby is doing well and I go for my 6 week check-up Monday. Here is hoping for a clean bill of health and the ok to start working out. I only hope things get better from here and one day I will be able to pass the lessons I learned on to Abby.

Where I stand

From where I stand things are good right now. I have my hubby home with me, which has helped my mood and emotions so much! I must admit I have an amazing husband, he cooks, cleans, takes care of baby. Sure he has his things that bother me, but doesn't every husband?

I am getting ready to gear up to step on the scale and see where I am weight wise. I am waiting until I am 6 weeks post partum. I will have been to see my doctor and hope to get the ok for a good sweat session. I have gone for a few “longer” walks but even they have been a bit rough. My cardio is in definite need of improvement. Also I know I need to gain some strength back, but a lot of that will come from carrying a baby around who is 10 lbs plus her car seat.

I also am very keen on running again. It’s cheap and you can do it anywhere any time, hubby is going to start training for the marathon he’s always wanted to do so I want to train for the 5K I always wanted to run. Slow and steady, while I would love to be ready for the Valley Harvest run in October I am not sure if I will be, I will wait and see how it goes.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a jogging stroller? We plan to invest in one come August probably so we can “run” together. More like at the same time as Dean will have much farther distances to run almost right away. I have looked at a few but really am not sure what I want in one, but I don’t want to get the cheapest unless it is at least decent for me and my running/walking. I am by no means going to be speeding down the road. My motto for this is slow and steady.

Abby is doing great, we were at the doctors this week and she is in the 93 % for her height, we are going to have a tall girl if she keeps it up, her weight is also doing great! She is bright and alert alot, smiles sometimes and is holding her head up very well. She is a month old already! Where does the time go, it felt like she’s always been here, yet at the same time it’s only been 4 weeks.

Overall things seem to be going in the right direction for my little family.

At home Daddy

Well Happy Canada Day to everyone from Abby and the family.

Today was a day of change in our house. Today was Dean’s last day of work, from now on he will be a Stay at home Dad with me and Abby. For six months our family will be together! We don’t know exactly where we will be going from there, but it will be amazing to have the summer and fall together! I am beyond excited to have hubby home and find a routine.

With Dean home it may mean money is tight and it will be a huge adjustment, but overall it will be for the best for our family. I am hoping my mood will improve as well. There is a fine line between what could be considered “baby blues” and post partum depression, but I hope to do a whole post on that alone soon.

For now Happy Canada Day!

Bringing Baby Home

Wow it’s been 2 weeks today since we have been home. It seems like much longer and no time at all. Dean is back to work today and I am alone with baby (wish us luck!).

Overall caring for a newborn is not what I excepted. We have had some bumps along the way with feeding mostly. We gave her one ounce of formula our first night home… and she slept like a log afterwards. We had a public health nurse in to help with breastfeeding, but in the end for whatever reasons Abby wasn’t feeding well and I started pumping and we are giving her breast milk from a bottle. While this is more time consuming on me, needing to pump every 2 hours and cleaning bottles ect. I truly like the fact that I know she is getting food. When the health nurse was in she was down past 10% weight loss which really scared us. At our appointment we had Tuesday she gained great and is now in the 50 percentile, while I don’t really care much about that it is good to know what we are doing is helping her.

Abby is pretty much a low key baby, sleeps and “plays” in her pack and play during the day, with lots of cuddles from us and sleeps in her crib at night. She usually sleeps for 3 – 4 hours during the night and up for feedings. Dean usually feeds her while I pump again so we have fresh milk for the next feed. She hates diaper changes, which I think most newborns probably do and has peed on us a few times already.

Dean has been wonderful with her and taking care of me and the house. He cooked everyday he was home, lunch and supper, and had breakfast ready most mornings when I came down stairs. He is much more domestic than me, doing laundry and cleaning… it’s to the point where we are debating if we can afford for him to stay home once my leave is up. Only time will tell for now.

Other than that I am pretty impressed. Of course we have had our emotional moments. I am paying close attention to the way I feel as I need to make sure I don’t slip into depression. I have missed my mom alot the past few weeks and with all the hormones running high it would be pretty easy. But that about wraps up my updates on us, guess I will be going back to regular posts when I feel like it. Until then hope everyone is well.

The Family Newborn Unit

Again I will state that this is my experience only and that while I am not a nurse in this field I am a nurse, as well as an educated person.

After my Labour and Delivery at 3 in the morning we were brought up to the Family Newborn unit (FNU) at the IWK. I had showered and was at that point really ready for some sleep. Two nurses welcomed me and helped me get settled. One did a check on baby and the other helped me into bed and did a check on me. They also got Dean some linen for his cot.  They they asked if baby had fed downstairs… she hadn’t so they helped her latch. It took them and myself but we got it figured out and she fed for a good long while. Eventually the nurse came in again to do another check on me and baby and I was able to drift off to sleep with baby in the bassinet beside me.

Some point through the night the nurse helped me to the bathroom to make sure I was peeing. While I can’t say it was comfy it was accomplished. I asked about trying to feed Abby again, and we tried but only briefly and the nurse gave the response of she was too sleepy. Dean also slept with baby for a bit on his chest. We woke up around shift change that day, so only about 4 hours sleep maybe and were introduced to our next nurse. She was really not the best nurse in the world, she brought in some paper work and information, also brought in my painkillers and checked me and baby. However when it came to feeding and Abby wouldn’t latch she just kept saying to keep trying and she will get it. I was expressing colostrum for her so with her little cherry sized belly she was ok that day but I still felt like I should be getting more help.

During our first day we had my dad come and visit and Lynn and Jason. Abby slept alot and we rested. Although Dean wouldn’t leave me so at least our friends brought him food. One thing the FNU doesn't provide is meals for your support person, which doesn't make alot of sense because they encourage them to be with you.

Our nurse for that night was decent she introduced me to the breast pump and encouraged me to fee but still I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing and Abby still wasn’t feeding well, it was a rough night with lots of tears for all of us. In the end Abby ended up sleeping on Dean and in my bed. She was not a fan of the bassinet provided by hospital! The nurse we had wasn’t in at all while Abby was crying and it made it very hard for us.

The next day everyone was in to see us. Dr. Dude, my regular Ob, and everyone was asking how I felt about going home. With Abby still not latching at all I was not very comfortable with the idea, she had lost some weight, which while normal had me a little stressed, and she was not a happy girl. Luckily the nurse we had that day was willing to spend alot of time with us trying to get her to latch, however she still wouldn’t. The nurses had mentioned a nipple shield may help, so Dean went and bought one from the gift shop. With that in place I felt Abby was feeding, but we were still spending the night there.

The nurse I had that last night was a god send, she clearly enjoyed her job and while she wasn’t correcting me on any nursing issues she did come in when Abby was crying and offered any assistance. She also explained things in a way that made sense and made me feel better about her crying.

Then it was Friday after being in the hospital since very early Tuesday morning we were ready to go home. We were going to be discharged and on our way. Around 8 in the morning we saw the doctor and then my nurse came in… let me tell you while she did a great discharge summery and made me feel comfortable about going home she was not a good nurse in any other way. She said I would need to see another doctor and that we would be going home soon. We waited and she came in a few more times asking about how Abby was feeding, while she was sucking on the nipple shield we were questioning if it was giving her milk, through our own research we learned there were different sized and the one we had was probably too small! No one had told us that, or asked to look at the one we bought! So I had plans to go to babies r us and buy some on the way home. While we waited some more I was getting very upset we were packed and dressed and ready to go. The nurse came in again and told me to ring when I was going to feed next however added “but I probably won’t be able to come, I have a new admission coming and haven't had a break yet”. She also went on to talk about how it was crazy busy and there was no time. At that point I lost it, Abby was fussy and crying and I was crying. I just wanted to go home!! Around 2 Dean went out to the desk to ask why we weren’t discharged yet. Another nurse looked in my chart and sure enough the orders were there for us to go home, and had been written at 9 in the morning!! Thankfully that nurse gave us a speedy discharge and we were on our way, I was so mad, and so thankful to be out of that place!

Overall my stay at the FNU was not really a pleasant one. The information I did receive in bits and pieces was good, but never consistent. I had more nurses I wasn’t fond of than ones I was, and as a new parent really never was shown thing I felt I should have been. We weren’t shown around the unit, told there was a family lounge or anything, we were basically in a room for 3 days on our own for the most part. If I ever have another child I would want out of there as fast as possible, and the other thing I have to say is I would ring for help for everything, because the nurses there don’t seen to want to offer it. Again I would just like to add this is my opinion and experience and I have contacted the IWK regarding this as I felt as a well known hospital our experience should have been wonderful and happy.

The labour and delivery process

I just want to start off by saying that this was my experience with the process, the hospital and the staff that I worked with. I would also like to remind others that I am a nurse, and while I do not work in the maternity/pregnancy field I am educated in it.

So it all started Monday June 4th, my due date. I had a doctors appointment for that day. It was for 330 and we got in pretty quickly. My Doctor decided to do a membrane sweep and then “accidently” broke my water… I truly think she did this by accident she said it was the first time in 12 years that someone's water broke in clinic. So after that we got sent up to the Early Labour Assessment Unit. They put me on the monitor to see what baby was doing and if I was having any contractions… baby was fine and there were no contractions so we got sent home to either wait for the labour to start on its own or we would be back in 24 hours and induced. At that point I was dilated almost 3 cm.

So we went home to wait, we ordered pizza for supper and by about 6:30 I was having the first signs of regular contractions, nothing too painful or anything just some tightening in my abdomen and back. We tried to chill, watching TV and stuff and I managed pretty good. Then we decided to try and get some sleep… for me that never happened. Dean napped for about an hour while I laid awake and got more and more uncomfortable. Finally around 1230 Dean got up and showered and got ready for the long haul. I also got in the shower, I figure around then my contractions were about 5 minuets apart and lasting 20 – 30 seconds. After the shower I was very uncomfortable with more and more pain in my back. Dean made me eat something and we settled in to monitor my contractions, we monitored them for about an hour and they were about 4.5 minuets apart lasting about 45 seconds. We had been told in prenatal classes that contractions should be 4 minuets apart, lasting a minute for at least an hour, however papers they had sent home with us said 5 minuets apart was when we should go in. I was really uncomfortable and getting a little anxious by then so I called the Labour and Delivery unit. The charge nurse said I should probably come in, so we got ready and headed into the hospital… that was around 3:30 in the morning.

Once at the IWK and back to the early labour assessment unit I was again put on the monitor, and let me tell you laying there for at least an hour was difficult. Baby didn’t like one of my contractions which made me have to stay on the monitor longer. Not to mention the nurse we had wasn’t particularly friendly or helpful. After looking at the monitor for a bit she mentioned that ideally my contractions would have been 3 minuets apart before coming in, talk about mixed messages! Afterword's she said there wasn’t really much to do, there were currently no Labour rooms available… so why did they tell me to come in?? Anyway she told us to walk around for about an hour, this was at about 530, so basically until the end of her shift?? So we paced the IWK halls, mostly the link building as there were very few people around. At that point I was holding on to Dean for most of my contractions and my back was just miserable. After pacing for a while we went back, the nurse could tell I was in pain so was able to get me in line for the next clean labour room with the hopes that the bath tub would help. At this point when explaining where all my pain was she had stated that it didn’t seem like real “back labour” (more on that later). She also checked me at that point and I was 3 cm dilated… in all that time I had only reached 3cm!

I was put on the monitor for shift change and then had a nurse who actually seemed to care, she was the same nurse that did my assessment the previous afternoon, which to me still seemed like the same day. We still had to wait for our room but once we were in it was much more comfortable. While we were in the Labour and Delivery unit we were still not technically admitted so we kept the nurse we had until I was admitted. We found the radio and got some tunes on which helped both Dean and I relax a bit more and I ran a nice warm tub. While IWK doesn't do water births and their tubs are just normal size tubs it was nice to climb in. I definitely needed Deans help and I still wanted him around for my contractions but I felt alot more in control and relaxed. Our nurse was in a few times to check on baby and I eventually got a bit chilled and got out. We had noticed that in the tub my contractions had lessened to about 4 – 5 min apart. But when I got out of the tub I guess gravity took over and they sped back  up again and felt stronger.

Somewhere between 10 and 11 we called my Dad and let him know there would be a baby on the way, we also called my Aunt to come as she was going to be my other support person. Around that time I also began to freak myself out. The pain was getting really bad and I wasn’t finding any relief in any position. After spending so much time with just Dean and I, I began to get scared. I didn’t really know what to do so I began crying and we rang for the nurse. A nurse helping out came in and was able to calm me down a bit, she  helped me realize I was ok, and it was all normal. Again the pain in my back was crazy, which I just didn’t expect. She went and my regular nurse came back and checked me, I was only 3 – 4 cm dilated! We talked about our options and decided to try some morphine/gravol and get back in the tub.

This is where my first thing I would change happened. I wouldn’t have taken the morphine. Not that it caused any harm at all in my labour process or in Abby’s health, but truthfully had I just climbed back in the tub I probably would have been ok. It may have take some of the edge off, but not enough to really help, I think the tub helped more. And by then my aunt had shown up and brought some lunch for Dean and some muffins and stuff for me. I stayed in the tub a bit longer this time and finally I was admitted! That meant a switch in nurses but the one I ended up with was just as good.

Shortly after that I was back out of the tub and sure enough my contractions picked up again and I decided I wanted the epidural. I was entering the “transition” period where contractions are pretty much one on top of the other and I was not a happy camper, this is where women yell and scream at the world and how it’s their partners fault they ended up this way. My nurse noticed where I was and I was in total panic I couldn’t focus and I was screaming, I was holding onto Dean for dear life with my aunt massaging my hips/back because it was where all the pain was. While I was wailing away the nurse was trying to get an IV started in my arm and get blood work, we tried the nitrous gas which is meant to help but it didn’t, probably because I couldn’t/wouldn’t take deep breaths. It took Dean, my aunt and the nurse to keep me calm/still enough for the epidural to go in, I don’t really remember their being any pain with that as I was having too much pain everywhere else. But what I do remember was that once it was in I felt relief almost right away.

It was a huge emotional ride for all of us during that (I am guessing) hour. I said things I didn’t think I would say, Dean was upset, I missed my mom terribly. And once I was comfortable and calm I balled like a baby for a few minutes. We had some visitors at that point (my uncle and cousin) and I was able to nod off a bit and get some sleep. I don’t think Dean slept at all even though we told him too. We were lucky he went to get our bags. I made it through till shift change and was checked and at 7-8 cm! We had some progress and were almost there! My legs were numb and turning was difficult without help but I was almost there!

At shift change (7:00 in the evening, 24 hrs after labour began) a whole whack of people entered my room. One was the nurse who was reliving mine, and there were 4 doctors, some students and some residents. The only two I remember are the attending and who I refer to as Dr. Dude. He was the one who did all the talking to me, and who actually delivered Abby. He was great and supportive. I was feeling pressure to push at that time, but the nurse said until it was unbearable I should wait it out, it meant baby was moving down on her own. I was checked again at some point and was 10cm! I made it all the way! We were still waiting to push and we had decided around 10 we would start, however I spiked a fever around 8:30 – 9:00 and was given antibiotics and Tylenol. I remember shivering like a leaf and having warm flannels on me. At 9:30 my temperature was crawling back up and I had the urge to push so the nurse decided it was time to start. It took a few tries but I learned how to do it. With the epidural it was harder to feel when and what to do, but I got in the swing of it. Dr Dude was in a few times to check on me and the nurse was down there doing her thing. I had Dean and my aunt on either side helping me with my legs, which were pretty dead and numb.

Dr. Dude came to check the progress and discovered that little Miss Abby was in the posterior positioning, meaning the baby was facing my front or face up. This was what caused all my back pain! He tried to flip her, and succeeded, but she flipped back, so we just left it and it meant I would either labour longer or may need a C-section.  Very shortly after that,  while I was pushing a nurse came to relive mine to go for a break. I am not sure if it was the change in nurse, the news that baby was the “wrong way” or that I was having what I think where muscle spasms in my upper thigh/buttock.

I shut down at that point and stopped pushing, so we tried to make me more comfortable, they gave me more epidural drugs and I flipped from side to side. It is at that point that I think baby flipped because I was moving around so much. The pain while not completely going away lessened and when my nurse came back she got me pushing again. The doctors were in off and on and I wanted to know if I was going to have the baby before midnight, Dr. Dude thought so but my nurse didn’t. Very close to midnight Dr. Dude was in and spoke to me about using a vacuum, baby wasn’t doing as well and my fever was still an issue. However after mentioning the vacuum I pushed harder and better. I really didn’t want anymore interventions than I had. The rest is sort of a blur, I was pushing almost all the time, the doctor did end up using the vacuum for one contraction to get her out but I don’t remember it really, I remember everyone telling me to push when I didn’t think I had any push left, and a feeling that is truly indescribable. I remember hearing “Does Dad want to cut the cord” and something about it being a girl, I looked for Dean for confirmation that it was a girl, and after him saying it was I was waling. I was so happy! We had both wanted a girl and I had really thought we wouldn’t get out wish. I heard her cry and they brought her to us. She was perfect!

I ended up needing some stitches “down there” but barely even knew what they were doing. I help baby for a while and tried to breastfeed, she wouldn’t latch which was ok. They cleaned me up a bit and my aunt and Dean made the important phone calls. I was beat but had my baby girl. I am not sure where time went but Abby was born at 1207 at night, and between then and 3:00 I had a bath and was sent up to the Family Newborn Unit… which will be another post all together.

My experience through the Labour and Delivery was a positive one. I has mostly good nurses and the job got done. I found early labour was rough and got mixed messages about when to actually go into the hospital. Dr. Dude used the vacuum which I would rather of not had needed, and didn’t exactly consent to but it was for one contraction and Abby only had a small bruise that lasted a few days. Definitely a positive experience for those 2 days of labour!

Meet Abigail Lee

Good Morning everyone;

On June 6th at 1207 AM little miracle took place. I gave birth to a beautify perfect baby girl. Abigail Lee Anderson was born at 7lbs 14 oz, 21 inches long… absolutely perfect!

I went into labour after my water broke at my doctors appointment, I was in labour for about 18hrs, and believe me there are some stories I will tell about my experience with labour and the IWK but they will be for another post, for now just another picture of my beautiful baby girl!

Pregnancy Taboo

Do you think pregnant women deserve special treatment? When you see a pregnant women do you move out of her way or hold the door for her? I was on twitter today and saw someone twee this;

I'm often tempted to take the pregnant woman parking spots. We, as a society, should not be rewarding people who have unprotected sex.

I really wasn’t sure what to think of. I got kind of mad. It made me think of alot of things. The whole time I have been pregnant for 40 weeks, and not anytime did I except special treatment. At work while the girls wanted me to be careful and may have gone out of the way to do things I could have done, I never looked around for help. I chose to leave work because I knew I was at a point where I couldn’t do my job alone, which is part of my job description.

People hold doors open for me, but I don’t find it any more often than I did. In fact the most “special” treatment I get is people asking when I am due. So then we get to the comment itself. So if you have a problem with parking spots that company's create as courtesy for pregnant women and mothers with small children then use them. There is no law for them, if you want to use them go ahead. In all honesty I don’t use them all the time, but truth is if we are getting groceries or at the mall I do, because it’s a hard walk around those places. I could definitely see it being hard with small kids too. There is also the comment or rewarding people who have unprotected sex, I chose to get pregnant, and before that I used birth control. Companies put these in place not to reward people, but to make it easier for people to go and spend their money! I do not see a parking spot as any type of reward, and most of the time, they are taken anyway, and they could be taken by people who are not pregnant.

Then there is also the other parking spots that are intended for other purposes, should they be allowed? I have seen Senior parking, parking for smart cars, should we reward people who are able to spend more money on smart cars to park closer to the stores, what about seniors? I am really not sure why this rubbed me the wrong way, I guess it’s because I chose to get pregnant, and some people even get pregnant accidently, it is not a reward to have parking a little closer to the stores!

On Pregnancy

As my pregnancy is coming to an end I thought I would share my thoughts on the whole matter. I have alot of thoughts about my experince and realize that every pregnancy is different. For me as an only child with a small family and circle of friends I didn’t have alot of exposure to people who had been or were pregnant. So most of my information came from me looking it up. I had bought What to expect when expecting, and I also signed up to BabyCenter.ca. Both were truly invaluable to me and without them I would have probably had alot of anxiety attacks! Also to include in my education about pregnancy and becoming a parent we attended the public health pre-natal classes. I found these a huge waste of time. All of the information was not new as I had read them from the other sources. Also any of the things I thought I would want to learn were never covered. For example; how to swaddle a baby, not even touched, neither was changing a diaper or bathing a baby. Even the simple task of heating a bottle should I decide to not breastfeed isn't covered. We did get books that cover some of that, but it was definitely not what I thought it would be.

I experienced quite a few of the “symptoms” of pregnancy. My first trimester was laden with fatigue and nausea, and while I wasn’t sick every day I didn’t have any sort of appetite. The only thing that helped the nausea was Gatorade. It helped alot. And I really never knew what fatigue was until I was pregnant. I have anemia and thought it would be like that, but it was worse. I came home every day and napped and was in bed by 9 almost every night. After the nausea subsided I felt better, I also had my energy back. But then I was plagued by a cold and my nose was stuffed up for a month straight I think. While this is a symptom for some women I was worried it may also be allergies. But it passed as well. Also during that time I had leg cramps at night. I would wake up through the night and stretch and my calves would spasm, really not fun! I have also experience heart burn off and on and Tums at times have been my best friend. I have also had very vivid dreams, some good and some bad, but all very real and very memorable. There of course is also the less talked about symptoms; hemmroids, fluid retention, leaking breasts, constipation, urinary stress incontence. I could probably look at the list and have had all of the symptoms for at least a small stretch of my pregnancy. Which is why in the end the books where so helpful, so I knew that these things were normal and didn’t go into the doctor for every little thing.

That brings me to my time spend in the health care system. I love my family doctor, she listens and takes her time, but I also almost never have to wait long for her, and almost always could get an early morning appointment. As usual when I first got pregnant we did blood work and I was to see her every month, she would see me and ask if I had any questions then do her exam. At 18 weeks I went for the usual ultrasound. That experience wasn’t too bad. I had an early appointment and was in and out fairly early. I also went for maternal blood work, which was done at the IWK. Let me tell you all my tests/blood work that was done at the IWK lab was horrid. I was there early every time and we waited for at least an hour every time, usually without a seat. How they except pregnant women to stand that long, plus have little kids around waiting that long I don’t know. They need to do something about that system, make a bigger waiting room or have separate sections for women and children. Shortly after my week 18 ultrasound my doctor needed to pass me off to a doctor that deals with pregnant women and babies. I am really not sure why this had to happen, I think it is about the type of insurance doctors carry for what they can do. So I was referred to the Perinatal Center at the IWK. Worst choice ever! I have not gotten in and out of there in less than an hour. And while I have been assigned a doctor there have been 3 occasions where I was seen by a different one. Also what is done to be there is no different than at my doctors office, and it isn’t even the doctor that looks at me! Also as you get further along in your pregnancy you need to see the doctor more often, so after going monthly for 5 months it becomes bi-weekly and finally weekly. How people do this while working the whole time I don’t know, because I was out of sick time/appointment time by 7 months. And nothing ever changes, you wait, you register, you wait, you get weighed, you wait, you get a room, you wait, the RN comes and does the exam (BP, babies heart rate and measures your belly), you wait, the doctor is in for a matter of minuets and you leave. For the past 4 weeks I have been going weekly and I really don’t see the need. The whole process seems to be a waste of money and time, for one doctors appointment I see 4 different people. It’s crazy really…

While that stuff seemed mostly negative being pregnant does have good points. Feeling the baby kick around inside is very cool. Also now that I am ready to burst I can feel the little bum and legs and feet sometimes, which is also really cool. Of course there was getting the baby room ready, that was super fun and I can’t wait for a baby to be in it, right now the only one that uses it is the cat! Also it has brought a different element to my relationship with Dean. I just know he will be a great father and it has also shown me how much he cares for me. He has been there since the very first time I thought I was going to throw up, encouraging me to eat well, and rubbing my back, holding my hair. Holding me when my emotions got the better of me, and putting up with all my complaints.

All that said I am very excited to meet this baby and see what labour and delivery have to offer. I am sure that will have a whole host of thoughts going with it and hope to post about it too. For now I sit and wait for signs of contractions and baby arrival!!

Wonders Weather Weekend

Whenever holidays and other “special” days come around I like to read what I was up to. Seems last Victoria Day weekend I was relaxing with Dean and going to the trainer and stuff. I was pretty content.

Needless to say I am pretty content right now. We had an amazing weekend, even if for Dean it was only 2 days. The weather was great and I got alot of things checked off the to-do list! Friday Dean was working at night so during the day we ran our errands to Costco and Sobeys. Got our bill and were only a few dollars over budget. That is great for us as we cut our budget by 50 dollars since I have been off work and only going over a tiny bit means we can manage with the cut back.

Like I said Dean actually had the weekend off, which for us doesn't happen very often. Saturday morning we cleaned up the house inside and spend the afternoon on the deck, had a great BBQ for supper with salad and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. Yesterday it seems I did what almost everyone else did, we spend time gardening. We had breakfast and  headed to Home Depot to pick up some soil, and a few more plants. I had bought bulbs at Costco a few weeks ago and needed to get them planted. So we planted them and I re-potted a few of my indoor plants. Then we tackled the back yard. By the time we got to the very back corner I was beat so we left it. We decided there is probably more we want to do with it and it isn’t worth the effort right now.

With the inside and the outside work done I had a little nap in the afternoon while Dean made a potato salad for supper with our hamburgers! Then I spent some time on the back deck in the sun. We both may have been a bit sun burnt but its not too bad. Again after supper our evening was spent curled up on the couch.

The only thing missing from my weekend is the fact that the ice-cream stand I can see from my house is now open and I desperately want a ice cream cone… but Dean says we don’t need it so I am trying to hold out. I can only hope alot more of “our” weekends are like this one was. And by that I mean when Dean has his days off, which as mentioned is almost never Saturday and Sunday.

In baby news we are still waiting for the little one. I am pretty sore today from the work I did yesterday and I feel like a house, but hopefully in 2 weeks or less our little bundle will show up! I hope everyone had a great Victoria Day weekend!

Loneliness and some random thoughts.

Well I am starting to fear that going off work while I do think necessary was a bit early. I’ve been off for 2 weeks now and I am starting to feel lonely and isolated. I knew it would happen, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be so soon.

It is hard with Dean gone 9 – 10 hours a day working. I can’t blame him, and I don’t. I just find it hard to get motivated to do some things I want/should/could do. Part of it is being 37 weeks pregnant. If I go up and down the steps too much I get lightheaded and sore very fast. I am nervous about going out for a walk alone in case something happened. And maybe that is silly of me, but I don’t know my neighbours and I just am unsure about it. The stuff that I should do is cleaning and that sort of thing, and it just seems like alot of work to me. I  know what will happen though, Dean will have some time off and we will get the house tidy together, that is normally how it goes. So I will get by, I am just left hoping this baby comes sooner and sooner!

Some random thoughts in my life;

I am starting to think of after the baby is here and what I want my life to look like. I definitely want to show this baby healthy living and that will mean making some changes back to our old ways. While pregnant there was a time when I was told I HAD to gain weight. So we made some changes that weren’t too drastic but still when you want to lose/not gain weight it’s hard. For example we switched from 1% milk to 2, and we started buying real ice cream rather than frozen yogurt. My eating has also still been pretty erratic with Dean working over suppers and me just not feeling like cooking/eating. I nibble here and there but I will really have to work on getting a routine down for eating. I have managed to get some meals in the freezer since being off work, and hope to get some more in there. Also we are meal planning a bit better and trying to stick to a firmer budget so less snacks and thoughtless spending will help.

Another thought… Dean was suppose to run the Bluenose Marathon this year, due to events in our life he wasn’t able to train so he decided to move it to next year. I think it’s great and I have even been looking into a training schedule for him; I want to support him in this as it’s one of his bucket list things. It also has me thinking about my small in comparison 5K I want to run someday. I am getting excited to be able to go out for walks with baby and maybe even start running… we will see but it’s exciting to think about!

Sleep is evading me it seems. I cannot find a comfortable position at night and when I do I am awake to roll over or pee in an hour or two. Last night I was up from 4 until sometime after 5, I was wide awake but knew I needed more sleep. Besides with out the baby here right now what else is there to do at 4 in the morning?

Stretch marks!

Pregnancy comes with a whole slew of side effects. My diet has changed, my moods have changed and the body changes…

One of those body changes is stretch marks. I had stretch marks since I was probably about 10. I have them on my legs, arms, hips and breasts. I was a little embarrassed of them at times, but over all they never really bothered me. But now I have them on my stomach too! I was a little shocked when I first saw them, about 4 weeks ago. I had been doing really well with not getting any. Then they hit, all of a sudden. And today I looked in the mirror and there was more! I can’t see them unless I am in the mirror, which is a benefit I guess, but I am worried about what  they will look like after the baby. I know they will fade, but I do worry. Not that I wear bikini’s often or show off my abs (what abs, lol). But Dean sees them.

So while I am worried about it I will try to push it to the back of my mind and focus about the baby on the way! After the fact I will worry about them, although I use stretch mark cream apparently the baby just wants to stretch too much!!

Other than the stretch marks I am feeling pretty good. I had a Doctor’s appointment yesterday with no complications, I am very happy, but very much want to have this baby soon!

Mothers Day

Last year I avoided Mothers Day at all costs. No one got cards or phone calls, no one was wished a Happy Mothers Day. Avoiding Mothers Day got me through mothers day with out tears or sadness. This year it seems like Mothers Day came early and everything was hitting me at the beginning of the month. There is also the added fact that while I am not yet a mother, I am certainty on the way to becoming one. I find alot of these holidays over rated and over commercialized. I mean who gets there mother a lap top or a phone for Mothers Day? I never did nor did I ever plan on it.

Dean is very excited because he will be a father for this Fathers Day. But I have already told him it won’t be an over the top event (especially since we will only have a baby who is less than a month old!). All I ever did was get mom/dad a card and maybe something worth 20 – 30 dollars.

With Mothers day here it really got me thinking of what my mom experinced and how her pregnancy was. There are very few pictures of her pregnant, they are poor quality and I took pictures of them, but here they are;

I really wish I had her to talk to about being pregnant, but I know she is watching down on me and will give me support for the big day!

So Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there, and Happy Sunday to all those who are not mothers!

Still waiting.

Wow 37 weeks pregnant. I am ready for this baby to introduce itself to the world!

Lynn hosted a great baby shower for me. It was a little overwhelming having that many people in the house, but it was great and with everything we got we are done with the big baby things we need. Now we are just waiting for the things that come up that we don’t even know about.

I cannot wait to meet the little one and wrap them in the blankets and dress them in the clothes I have! So again a big thanks to Lynn for the amazing shower!!

After the shower we took Lynn and Jay out to supper, but we stopped at Shubie Park for some pictures since Lynn has a great camera and ours is just a typical point and shoot. So another big thanks to Lynn!

Sleeping has got to be the most difficult thing when you are this far along. I can fall asleep but between waking up for the bathroom and waking up with my  hips in pain I don’t manage a long stretch at a time. Also I am not comfortable no matter what position I am in for very long, my butt hurts if I sit too long my back if I lean, my legs if I curl them up. While I really haven't minded being pregnant (except for the nausea) these last few weeks are the worst. I can’t bend over forward very far and Dean is often chuckling at me as I try to move around the couch or the bed.

I also wasn’t sure if being off work was going to be a benefit or a curse but I think it’s been a good thing. My mind has gotten to the point where I am ready for this baby and not worried about the woulds and coulds, it will be what it will be and we will be great parents no matter if we make some mistakes along the way!

So to Baby A; come out soon and meet the world!

Hormonal explosions!

Gah, what a day!

I went into work to finish up a few things and pass off some others. Truth is even though they haven’t filled my term yet they seem to have moved on without me… this was a little upsetting as I would like to think alot of what I do in my  job is special and difficult to do by anyone else. But alas it seems I will not be missed. The hardest to accept about that is that I consider the people at work friends, but I don’t see them outside work so I guess it isn’t the same.

When I got home I was sort of bummed out and wasn’t really into doing much. I just sort of lounged around and then completely broke into tears, I mean a full on sob fest. I have alot on my mind but I didn’t think I was that upset. So I blame alot of it on my hormones. This pregnancy seems to be going on forever and the hormones are definitely showing themselves in more than just my emotions. My skin is starting to break out again which was happened alot in the first trimester. I only hope that after baby it settles down.

I am starting to get excited about my baby shower and trying not to worry about how many people will be in my house. I plan on relaxing that morning and hopefully I will stay relaxed and enjoy my time. Dean  has told me not to worry about anything and that I can just sit and talk to people, so hopefully that will work.

So here is to a relaxing weekend and a great week!

Off for a year?

Wow a month ago I was complaining about waiting for everything, and while that still is the case for the most part, I am no longer waiting to go off work. This Monday my doctor finally signed the papers to put me off work. Now that being said she did it very reluctantly. I worked alone on my unit one day, and I thought I was going to die. I was weak and dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I decided then and there that even if my doctor wouldn’t put me off I would be changing my date to start my maternity leave.

So now I am off with 5 weeks until my due date. I plan on relaxing after this week finishing up work stuff and getting my EI in order and all that stuff. I feel pretty good about it. Deans schedule has been far from similar to mine and I haven't seen much of him. So being off I plan on spending some quality time with him. I also plan to get some food made up for the weeks after baby is born. I can still drive and am grateful for that. I think I will probably be able to until I give birth. Not that I will be going to too many places.

My last baby shower is coming up this weekend. I am excited for it, but also have some worry. There will be alot of people there and alot of people I haven't seen since Moms funeral. I know that with each passing day I think about her more and more. I would love to know how she felt when she was as big as I am and what she experienced. I have very few pictures of her pregnant and almost all of them are of her in billowy dresses so really I don’t even know how big she got.

Overall I am feeling pretty good. A little anxious about when I will go into labour, what it will be like, how it will feel. But overall I am alot less worried about looking after a baby than I was. I think we are ready to be parents and I just overall cannot wait to meet this little baby squirming around inside me!

Waiting

There are many things I have learned about being pregnant. One of those things is that pregnancy is all about waiting. First you wait to find out you are pregnant. Then you wait for the morning sickness to pass, and for your clothes to stop fitting. You wait for the first signs of movement. Then by the time you get further along you are just waiting for the baby to make it’s appearance.

But there is other waiting too. Waiting at the Doctors office, waiting to pee at the doctors office. Two weeks ago I waited for 2 hours to see my doctor, today wasn’t so bad, only about half an hour. Its a pain in the behind when the actual appointment only takes 5 – 10 minuets. Over all I do find that the medical care we get here in Canada very good. Maybe even over the top. I have seen my doctors more through the last 7  months of my pregnancy than I think I have in my life time, monthly then bi-weekly appointments, and soon weekly appointments. Its not like they do too much, I pee in a cup I get weight, they measure my belly check my blood pressure ask if I have any questions and I am out the door.

So more waiting continues, waiting to have my next appointment, waiting for the next baby kick, waiting for the baby to come. Waiting is just one more pregnancy joy!

What is “Best.”

Every one always says; “you need to do what is best for you”. But what does that really mean? Take a simple situation I am in right now; to keep working or to go off soon due to my pregnancy. Some people are saying it is best for me to go off so I don’t have so much stress, and my body can rest. Some people say it’s best I go off soon to get my head wrapped around being home and let go of work before I have baby. But is it best for me financially to go off work? Is it really best for me mentally? How do you know what is best?

This has  been a huge struggle for me; I really don’t know what is best for me. I enjoy my work; yes I find it exhausting and stressful, but I know being home I find myself unmotivated and get depressed easier. I am still capable of doing my job, so shouldn’t I keep doing it? My doctor hasn’t said I need to go off, so why should I? The financial stress of waiting for EI is one that is on my mind alot, so shouldn’t I keep making as much money as possible? I really don’t know what to do.

The same goes for so many situations. How will I know what is best for my baby, or me or Dean. How do you know what is right until you try and see? I know I want to be happy, and that means doing what I want, problem is I don’t know what I want! I go through so many thoughts each day around if I want to be off or keep working, in the end I just keep working because it is easier and I feel it is “best” for now. I will probably keep doing this until a day comes that I just can’t get my butt out of bed enough days in a row that I feel I should stop working. For me right now that is what is best I think… we shall wait and see!

A year ago…

A year ago my focus was so different than it is now.

A year ago I was focused on myself and didn’t appreciate what I had.

A year ago my mother died suddenly completely changing my life forever.

I could not read my post from when I announced Mom’s death. It is a copy of the eulogy Dean said at her funeral and I know if I go and read them I will upset myself and go right back to that day. It is very odd how some of my memories of those few weeks are so clear they could have happened yesterday, but some things are so blurry and muddled it still doesn't always feel real. I can say I have dealt with the whole ordeal better than I thought I would. No one ever knows how they will deal with situations until they happen. People think they are strong when they aren't or they think they will be a mess when they pull through. I always thought I would be a mess, but I did so much better than I thought I would. There is no question I still am sad and still am dealing with my grief, but I am in a good place.

I have looked back on my posts from the last year and while at times they were few and far between I have noticed a shift over the year which has actually made me happy. A year ago I was pretty much obsessed with my body image. I was always focused on losing weight and being “thinner.” Over the year I did focus on my health. I had a personal trainer and I was active. I was still struggling with my eating and binging. However I was enjoying life, I was not as focused on what I looked like because I knew I was benefiting my body anyway. While I haven't been very active while being pregnant I am so happy to be having my baby in June and plan on getting a walk in daily as much as possible. I live by Shubie park and have a great neighbourhood with sidewalks and side streets.

Looking back on the last year I have had a lot of emotional stress. Needless to say some of it came from Mom’s death, however my job plays a huge roll in that stress. I recognized that stress and took some time for myself in August/September. I still struggle with my emotional stress. I have to say I need to stay focused on this part of my life. I still have along way to go with my emotions. One of my biggest fears about having our baby is what my emotions are going to do with little sleep and being in a new situation. Of course there is mixed blessings with being off work with a baby. As I mentioned alot of my stress comes from work, so being off will help with that, and I plan to work on finding a way to deal with that stress. Another fear for me is that being home will be a detriment to my emotional health. When I spend a lot of time alone I tend to do worse. I hope having a baby will give me more to work towards, and I have been trying to get myself organized when it comes to meal planning and keeping an organized house.

Over the past year I have definitely had alot happen, I have had alot of struggles but I truly feel even though I have a ways to go on dealing with some things I am stronger and a better person now than I was a year ago. I have one person to thank for helping me though this; my amazing husband Dean. I know if it wasn’t for him, I would be struggling alot more than I am now and who knows where I would have gone.

I love you Dean.

I miss you Mom.

Fingers crossed!

I am happy to say I am feeling better… for the past week I have been sick, not being able to take any cold medication was a real pain. I am definitely thankful for modern medicine now and am hoping not to have any more colds this season.

I have met the Doctor who will see me through the rest of my pregnancy. What I don’t understand is why I had to be passed off in the first place and she will not be the one who delivers the baby. Oh well, such is the case. I don’t know how I felt about her. I know she certainty wasn’t too keen on me going off work early. I can go off anytime now if I take some sick EI first, but she didn’t seem to think that was a good idea. While physically I am still able to do my job my stress level is very high and I don’t think that is good for the baby. But I guess if it becomes too much I can just go to my regular doctor and she can put me off.

I don’t want to jinx myself but I think I may have finally found some motivation. While off sick Tuesday I spent the morning making a meal plan and a cleaning schedule. The meal plan includes lots of meals that will make leftover since Dean isn’t home for supper alot anymore. As for the cleaning schedule it may sound funny to some but for me it is what keeps me going. I need lists to check off to keep motivated and want to get things done. The hard thing will be getting Dean on board with my lists. He can just get things done without really thinking about them, but me I really need lists and specific tasks, other wise I find I just sit on my butt.

So hears hoping I can stay on top of everything, I feel pretty good about it right now, but only time will tell!

Thinking it all out…

I think I might finally be able to get some thoughts out in writing. My head has been very full the past few days and I just feel very overwhelmed.

There are alot of things going on in my life, the biggest is probably work. I have been waiting for the day I can go off work, but I don’t know when that will be. I can go off of work the end of this month, but money wise it probably isn’t the best idea. I am still capable of work physically, but mentally I am wiped out. I also don’t have alot of sick time left and with lots of appointments I will start not getting paid for my sick days. I could also probably drop down and work 4 days a week, that would be more money than EI. So I don’t know what the best thing to do is.

When it comes to figuring that out I meet with my new doctor next Monday – the one who will be delivering my baby. I am hoping she can give us some insight about when the best time to be off is. I am also anxious about meeting the new doc. I just started a relationship with my regular one and now I need to start all over again. I am pretty critical when it comes to doctors and what they should do. I guess it comes from working with them.

The one thing about being off work that won’t be an advantage is being home alone. I do not deal well with being alone alot. I tend to get into my thoughts too much and end up not being productive. I need to find a sense of motivation and get into a routine. Its really not easy for me and I am really scared it will end up badly.

I am really not sure how much of this makes sense, I just know that it feels better getting some of it out. I really want to feel motivation to get things done around the house, I want to feel like I have a routine and I need to feel like a good wife/mother. I guess the question is how do I do that?

Outside Looking In

I had a hard time writing this post, finding the right words to express how I feel, I still don’t even know if what I want to say is still all here, but it get alot out.

I don’t have alot of friends, in fact I could probably count the number of friends I have on one hand. I have people I talk to at work, but I would never be out with them outside of work. I spend most of my time at work, or at home. I socialize with very few people outside of work, and most of the time I like it that way. But lately I have felt very alone. I think some of it is because of the coming baby. I am realizing how few people I have to rely on. As I realize my nights alone are coming to an end I feel like I should be getting out and doing things, probably is I have no friends to do it with. Dean works almost every weekend and with only a few people left on that list of friends my options are slim.

Realizing this makes me miss my Mom alot. She was one person I could always call to talk to or make plans with. I don’t have anyone I feel just calling. I am so frustrated and feeling so down and alone. I truly don’t mean to be having a pity party but it does sort of sound that way.

My whole life I have never had very many friends. I guess I could always say I was liked in a group, but I always felt like I was outside looking in, never really included. I know I am partly to blame, I don’t include myself alot. I don’t make a huge effort to be around people, it’s one thing I would like to change. But how do you change a way of life you have been living since you were little?

I don’t like loud people who are always putting in, and I feel that may be the only way to become involved. I am shy and don’t share alot at first, some people may take it as me being a snob, but really I just don’t think people want to know all about my life with hubby and the cats, I have gone out with new friends a few times and have always enjoyed myself. But then I always over think things and feel as though I said or did something that made someone mad. I again make myself feel like I am on the outside looking in.

Well I think that is all I have to say… Thank you to those who are my friends, and those who try to be too.

Bucket List

Well I did it, I completed a bucket list. I really wanted to sit down and think of some things I wanted to accomplish in life. Usually when I think of things I want to do I don’t come up with much. I am a pretty low key person who is generally happy sitting at home with a good book or a TV show. I don’t want alot of clothes I don’t collect anything that costs alot of money. I do not consider myself materialistic at all. So when wanting to create a bucket list what did I do? I consulted Google. One of the first hits was this link. It was great to sit down and feel like I have things to accomplish. You can view my bucket list above.

That is one of my biggest frustrations; feeling like I am not accomplishing things in my life. When I am at work I have a list of tasks that is every changing, old things getting crossed off and new things feeling added. I feel accomplished crossing things off that list. But at home I feel like I have nothing to strive for, I feel like the old things I used to enjoy are almost as waste of time because they are not productive. Dean and I have been having alot of conversations around this. For me I am not sure if some of it is a lack of motivation, a depression or just a “funk”. What I do know is that I want to get organized and start feeling “accomplished” before baby gets here. I have to be honest I am still working on my definition of what accomplished is for me.

And speaking of baby, I had my monthly check up today. I am happy to report I gained the weight the doctor wanted me too. I am not back up to my pre-pregnancy weight, with 18 weeks to go I can only hope I don’t start gaining too much weight. The heart beat was 144 again – it has consistently been that except the first time we heard it (162). One thing I am not happy about is the fact that I now have to change doctors, my family doc does not deliver babies so I will be referred to a doc at the IWK. My only hope is that they will be as calm and informed as my regular doc.

It’s back to work tomorrow for me, but a 4 day week, and another 4 day week next week as well! Hope everyone has a great week!

What have I been up to?

Well growing a baby is a big one. I am feeling much better now then I was in October. I am now 22 weeks pregnant and very excited and anxious to have a little baby in my arms! We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby but will be going to 3DMiricles for a Heart Beat Bear. We had our first ultrasound not too long ago and that was exciting. The best part was finding out that there was only one baby in there!

We had started our nursery in October, but have just officially “finished” it yesterday.

Before

 

After

The only thing I have left to do is recover the cushions to the rocking chair. That was my Mom’s rocking chair that has been around forever, it is still comfy, just needs a little love.

And speaking of my Mom we had our first Christmas without her. It was a bit rough, but not as hard as I had thought. Being pregnant has had alot of ups and downs thinking about Mom. My Dad is doing fairly well, he just lost a brother the beginning of this month which was a bit difficult for everyone. Reality is if people would eat well and exercise they would live longer and less people would die of massive heart attacks. I feel kind of hypocritical saying that because my exercise has been pretty low, but Dean and I plan to get right back into it once baby is here. We are going to join a complex with a pool and I am super excited about swimming and getting my baby used to the water!

I really hope to blog a bit more now. I had alot of stress in my life after finding out I was pregnant and work and the holidays. But now my stress level is lower, and I also know that blogging and writing things out will help my stress level. I have been working on getting more organized and finding some joy in my life. I was feeling like I was just sitting like a bump on a log for a long time and I really want to become more active with doing things I enjoy and getting used to being busy.

Well that’s it for now, I am glad to be back to blogging and getting some thought out in writing I hope to keep it up with some interesting things in my life.