I am not an inspiration.

It’s that simple. I read some blogs and people are so positive and truly inspirational. I am not. This is not a bad thing, it is just how it is.  To the right is the newest picture of me. Do I look bad? I didn’t think so that day. But looking at it now I see a tummy and a chin, they don’t make me happy. Some days I don’t care… that day I didn’t. But today I do, I saw myself at work and was not happy with how I looked. I saw myself at home with one of Deans sweaters on and I was not happy. I have an addiction to food. I cannot limit myself. I also have a problem getting my ass off the couch. I know inside that if I got my ass up and worked out 5 days a week I would loose weight. But I honestly don’t know why I can’t seem to do that. I cannot seem to find motivation in anything.

Basically what I am saying is this; some days I can live at this weight and some days I can’t. Does that mean someday I eat well and work out and someday I don’t? Those aren’t very good habits are they?

I am so sick and tired of feeling back and forth with this weight loss. This is by far one of my hardest things to deal with. I just wish I could be happy and not do anything or get motivated and do something about it. Anyone have any insight into how to find some motivation?

Ok enough about this negative crap. Here is the positive. Dean and I got out for a small walk and ice cream tonight. I find it really helps to get out of our basement for a bit in the evening. (The ice cream is good too!) Also work was a good productive day, tomorrow I am on education which I enjoy, but I don’t enjoy getting off at 5 in traffic! Also in the positive category tonight is the amazing meal  Dean cooked tonight;

Pulled pork Sandwiches with homemade BBQ sauce and turnip fries with Curry dip!   Yummy!

And the last always positive thing; my kitty. He is lying in a very weird position which is normal for him… any one else find it weird?

Words from a girl

Wow that weekend flew right by. I can tell you I have a love/hate relationship with my weekends. I love not working but hate being board. I hate not having a house to take pride in and not having errands to run. I am just really frustrated with everything lately and honestly I’m making myself sick with all the negative crap.

I didn’t weigh in today because I was at Lynn’s I also haven’t tracked today or since like Wednesday. I didn’t eat bad though, and people keep saying that I look like I am losing weight, not sure how that happens since the number won’t change.

My weekend was pretty relaxed and I enjoyed it for the most part. Me and Dean have some stuff to work though and it’s been alot of talk and stuff so this week will be intense I think.

Work wise this week is also crazy busy. I am on course Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday. I also have my performance appraisal Friday… not really concerned about that I know I try my hardest at my job.

So I see my week as being busy and I just hope that by the weekend I feel better. I can only hope.

Here’s for a good week!

Quickie

I have a quickie post for you to share some random thoughts;

• I had Boston Pizza for supper tonight… the meal was ok, the time spent away from home with the hubby was worth every cent.
• Hubby totally broke my mouse for me laptop, so I now have a pretty new wireless blue one.
• Interpersonal communication is very important.
• So is relaxation.
• I might possible work 16 hours tomorrow so I can make an extra 200 dollars.
• Taxes suck.
• If we follow the budget we should be out of here in 10 months…
• 10 months is a very VERY long time.

And now it’s off to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday!

The walk and the Ice-cream

So today I almost had a panic attack. I was driving home and completely got short of breath and really nervous. I made it though but it was difficult. I have a few reasons which may of brought it on but not one event in particular.

After supper I got a phone call from some good friends who love me and are concerned about me. I really appreciate it! Thanks!

After supper me and Dean went out for some ice cream and a walk.

The first one of the season! And then because I am apparently not an ice cream cone expert it landed on the ground :(

But I then had something to laugh about and enjoyed the walk all the same. 

Two more work days left! I cannot wait for the weekend. I haven't been sleeping well and just want to sleep all day long. Hopefully I will sleep good tonight since I didn’t nap!

Ups and Downs… Ins and Outs

Ugh. Today has been up and down. I worked 16 hours yesterday so I could get today off and spend time with my husband! Now that he’s working we don’t have a whole day off together very often and it was nice to wake up and not have to go anywhere.

Breakfast was really good, Dean made us egg Sammie's with tatziki(sp) and cucumber. The combination went really well. Better then I thought it would originally. We chilled around until a bit later and then headed into the city. We shopped around at Costco and stuff.

When we got back home I was again in a crappy mood. The truth of the matter is I am not a happy person here. This place is just not a happy place for me anymore and it is effecting my mental health and physical health.

So we have started looking for places to live. Any suggestions would be fantastic. Only thing is Dean wants a Washer and Dryer in unit/house!

Could this be it?

I am so sick and tired of saying that this week will be it and re-motivating myself. I was up a full pound this morning. Today I had an awesome day. But tomorrow it could be completely different. I am going to try very hard to track everyday. I will also be trying to walk 4 days a week.

Today I walked for 30 minuets. But the worst of it is that when I came back all I could smell was Mom’s cigarette smoke which to me almost deprives the point of trying to be healthy if I am sucking back all the second hand smoke! Sooo Frustrating.

So here is for a good week ahead for everyone.

Relay for Life 2010

Wow what an event. If anyone has ever faced Cancer think about making 2011 your year to Relay.

Last year I was walking in honour of my Papa who was still fighting. This year is was in memory. And that is why I walk. I walk in honour of my Father-in-law who fought and won. And I will walk next year and the year after that and the year after that.

This year I was with Scotiabank “Banking for a cure” thanks to my oldest friend. Who as of this morning raised a total of 5,390.00.

And of course Lynn and I got to meet Tash who joined our team this year.  And Lynn was one of the top fundraisers! Go Lynn!

For me other than the Luminary ceremony the biggest things that stick out this year are;

1. They sold out of Luminaries – that is both wonderful (means people are buying them to raise money) and sad (means there are that many people affected by cancer)
2. There was a little girl and her older sister who both cut their hair and I think were donating it to Locks of Love.

Then the Luminary Ceremony. It is so touching and so emotional that I get teary eyed still thinking about it. For any one who can't do all night events even if you just fundraise and stay for this event… It will truly change your life.

I also want to say thank you to Jamie who  brought us caffeine when we needed it. Also to Scotiabank who will match some of our donations and to everyone who participated and helped make this event possible. We are all Heroes!

Where is the motivation??

Wow I have no motivation, I wish I knew how to find some or get some. I really evaluated my look at things. Here are some questions I asked myself;

• Am I happy in general?
• No. This is not only due to my weight but also due to my living situation and work. I am very nervous to admit that I have alot of issues, and because I haven't worked them all out in my own head yet I can’t get into them too much.
• Am I happy with my weight?
• Yes… and no. I am not happy with the number on the scale, or the BMI. I am still considered obese. However most days I am happy with the way my cloths fit. I don’t think I will ever get to the goal of a “healthy” BMI but I would like to lose more weight. Especially when today someone asked me if I was pregnant… No I’m not!
• What do I want to achieve?
• I want a healthy lifestyle with healthy habits.. this I have not achieved yet. I want to be able to teach my kids the right way to do things and let them be active and I want to be active with them. I also want to increase my confidence… which has been pretty low.
• Is it worth it?
• I guess the real question here is if I am worth it. Honestly the place I am in right now is scary. And alot of my thoughts are negative and I am doubting if I am worth it. I know the right answer is I am worth it but believing it is the hard part.

Wow so after that crazy rant there ya go. I said I was going to be honest and there ya go that is honesty in it’s crazy ranting thoughts.

The real world is time consuming

Wow time flies when you are busy. And that is what I have been. Went back to work and haven't stopped. Thursday I had a workshop until 5 and that meant I didn’t get home to close to 630. I will be doing that for a bit every couple of Thursdays and it’s going to be brutal. Friday I did an extra 8 hours strictly for the money! It doesn't grow on trees and if we are considering moving I want money for some new stuff!

Needless to say Friday was right to bed when I got home. Yesterday was sunny and warm! Me and mom went for some groceries and then sat on the deck. I made some Chicken for supper (BBQ’d) and then we went and hung out with Lynn and her hubby.

Today is rainy and cold. So I am curled up on the couch after getting things tidied up and a roast in the slow cooker.

I also stepped on the scale today 175.8… We bought a new one because WW is coming to an end soon and I didn’t trust my other one. So now every Sunday is weigh day. I am in no rush to loose these 20 lbs (my goal is about 145) but I would like to see a negative number from that scale more than once a month!

Other than that gearing up for another week. I am hoping to work extra tomorrow for Tuesday off and then I am off Friday because of the Relay for Life! Hoping to stay on track and get some stuff going on that is picture worthy soon!

Back to the real world

Well tomorrow it’s back to the real world. After 5 days off 4:40 will be hard to wake up to… It was a beautiful weekend and I am a little darker than I was at the beginning of it. But not burnt which is good.

My weekend was spend outside for the most part. Well at least yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep we spent most of the day out on the front lawn in shorts and relaxing listening to music. I really couldn’t have asked for a better day spent with my honey (my husband, not the dog, lol).

Today was spent running some errands and relaxing around the house. We went for a walk and had a really good supper out of the Canadian Living Magazine.

I am doing sparkpeople again, we will see how that goes. I am still very unsure about everything, and my mood is still very up and down but I may be on the mend.

Hope everyone had a good holiday and has a great work week!

Still unsure

I’ve been away a few days. I did extra Thursday for Friday off and Friday was spent with the husband running errands and relaxing. Yesterday was spend doing much of the same. I took my mom’s dog for a walk and we had a friend over for a BBQ.

I am still very confused with everything. So much is up in the air about moving and if Dean is going back to school or not. Exercise is hard because I have plans and then don’t follow through with them. Mom is away for the long weekend and I have the house to myself which is nice, but it will just make it harder when she comes back.

I haven't tracked in a bit, should probably get back on track but I don’t know if it’s what I want anymore. I find tracking very hard lately and even though I know WW isn’t “limiting” I have it in my head that I CAN’T eat certain foods and that makes me mad and only make me want them more.

I know I am struggling with an addiction and what’s worse is that you can’t just kick food. Dean is being very supportive but I am feeling very mixed up and just plain sad. I get anxiety over going out to the store or calling someone lately. I just want to sit around and do nothing, I know I am not acting like myself and most of the time feel powerless to stop it.

Well that’s enough to bore everyone. I just want to give a good luck shout out to everyone running in the Bluenose today!!

1 for 3

Well Monday was my only good day food wise, today I did well until I was on my way home, I stopped at MacDonald's and got fries and pop. What is wrong with me? I am so mad at myself. I really think I am depressed and really struggling with emotions and feelings. I am very stressed!

No exercise today and I didn’t get any pictures of my food. I praise the food bloggers out there because they can remember to take pictures!

Short post today but that’s because I am so tired of analyzing my emotions!

Let the ball drop

Well I totally let the ball drop today.

Last night was fine, we finished watching season 3 of biggest loser and had cheese and melba toast for a snack it put me over 2 but I had all my flex points so I used them. We went to bed at a reasonable hour and I woke up at 630 with the sun shining!

Breakfast was yogurt granola and fruit, and I did get a picture but it isn’t very good and the mood I am in is not a great one so I won’t even bother (I know bad me). I ate at home and took my time getting ready to go. I drove to the conference and it all went down hill from there. To make it short and week here is what is on my tracker;

• yogurt 1
• granola 2
• fruit 0.5

Here is where it gets bad remember yesterday I said I was proud of resisting those lovely muffins well here is the rest of the day at conference.

• Muffin 14
• Muffin 14
• Lasagne 10
• Salad 1
• Garlic bread 4
• square 1

That is over my points and then some (23 to be exact). I totally let myself down. And I can’t even say what possessed me to eat that much. I knew the muffins were bad and yet I found them going into my mouth. Hormones? Maybe, but probably not. I am just thankful I am not on conference tomorrow too.

I was really mad at myself and when we got out it was so beautiful and sunny so when I got home I changed and went straight to the trail for a run. Actually I ran 5K, or most of it. And burned 635 calories, so 6pts worth. I didn’t redeem all the damage but I did something at least. And it felt good. I have blisters and have a feeling I may not be able to move tomorrow but I did it!

Supper was pasta and salad, and I didn’t get a picture. Tomorrow I am taking a picture of everything I eat, that is my goal!

Learn from the past!

Wow that sucked.

So last we left I was settling in to relax with my book and chill out for the evening. Well I did that, I finished my book. It had a bad ending but overall I found the book really hit home. I work with Alzheimer's patients all the time and it really helped me know what they went though.

So I finished my book, and then ate some frozen yogurt… which I didn’t need… but anyway I also didn’t get a picture of it… Then I had a mental breakdown… yep totally. Now we could say I am hormonal we could say I was just tired but in reality it was waiting to hit for a long time. Living with my mom in the basement I grew up in. I went though so much here that was negative and horrible and now that Dean is working I am home here alone alot, and thinking about alot of it. I feel like I am 17 again and I hate it. And that is what I was upset about. That and my insecurities in my relationships. I felt very alone and I cried really hard.

That being said we are now trying to come up with a plan for what to do, move or not, buy or rent so any advice would be great!

Moving on to today I woke up with a sore back, my whole upper back and neck is killing me. I’m not totally sure why (exercises maybe?) but it made me think about massage therapy and that I really want to start going.

I was on course today so I had more time to get ready. Breakfast was my Peanut Butter and Banana wrap. This is my favourite work breakfast because its fast, easy and has 3 food groups and 5 pts!

So I drove to the conference (at the airport) and went in. There was those amazing muffins that are huge and so good… I didn’t eat any, not a bite. I feel this is a huge accomplishment for me! On our break I ate some yogurt and fruit, total 2pts. At lunch I had a beef wrap made for lunch and they were serving soup, sandwiches and yummy squares. I had my wrap and some soup (beef barley) and 2 squares. I totally didn’t need the squares but they were sooo good. Total was 11 pts, 2 of which were squares. We got out early which I was thankful for becuse my back was really hurting. Came home and had a nap.

Dean got home and even though I was suppose to cook he did because he knew my back hurt. Supper tonight was yummy Sticky Lemon Chicken. I forgot to take a picture (blame the pain), so here is what it looks like from Gordon Ramsay’s book Fast Food;

We used boneless skinless chicken breasts and It was sooo good. We had it with boiled potatoes and green beans. Total 6 pts with some margarine. And I was full!

So now I am relaxing. I had a shower and have applied some Bengay to my back and am just chilling watching season 3 of biggest loser.

Oh yea check out Jamie over at Embracing Balance who is giving away some amazing vita tops!

Live like there is no looking back.

I’m Back and Better than Ever!

Well I am back to the world of blogging. I really had to analyze why I was blogging and what I was gaining from it. Here is what I learned;

• I don’t care who follows me or if I gain more or lose some. I am doing this for me.
• While I like comments they are not necessary to show I am doing well.
• This had been a useful tool to document the last little while in my life, and I am hoping to make it more of a journal.

So I am blogging for me, plain and simple.

Now on to what’s been going on in my life. Well I have had a few weeks of gains (0.2 lbs each week). I was really discouraged at having no gym membership and my loving husband came up with a plan.

The plan is pretty simple. He created a meal plan, which includes lots of fruit and veggies and for the last 2 days I have been following it I have been on POINTS. The other step is some simple exercise at home. For me this week it has been 2 girlie push-ups, 5 crunches, 10 leg raises, 10 side leg raises and 5 minuets of arm weight exercises of my choice.

Let me tell you I HATE the push-ups but overall I see it as a good thing and I hope that it will help in the long run and plan to increase the amount of things and reps at I get stronger and get this into my routine.

I have also decided that when my WW subscription is up that I will not be going back. I will still count my POINTS, but have found it hard to get to meetings and with the purchase of a new scale soon I will weigh in at home on Sunday morning.

I hope to blog and my plan right now is to take pictures of all most of my food. Like I said this is a journal for me and I am going to try to be completely honest with my thoughts and feelings.

So on to today. Dean worked and I was all alone for meals, but with his meal plan in hand I think I did pretty good. (Keep in mind I get 26 POINTS a day).

Breakfast was a veggie and egg scramble (1 egg and 1 white) and yogurt and a few black berries. Total 3 Pts.

After breakfast I cleaned up and got supper in the slow cooker (more on that later). Then just kicked around on the couch playing Star Ocean. I switched the laundry and then folded it. Then there were some cookies… 7pts worth! So why did I eat the cookies? Well they have been a real temptation to me for the last little while and there were only 5 left. I was going to have 3, and did and then went back for the final cookies. The good thing is they are now gone, and no more will be purchased until ever! Then it was time for Lunch

A bean burrito with salsa and cheese (6.5) and some cauliflower with a drizzle of low-cal cucumber dressing (0).

After lunch I went for a walk with my mom and dog. We have a “loop” which we walk and it takes about 20 minuets. I would only ever count it as 1 Activity Point and to be honest that is pushing it.

After we got back there was more lounging and relaxing, and soon Dean was home and it was time for supper!

 

 

Mashed Potatoes, Mashed Carrot and Turnip and slow-cooked roast beef! MMMMMM! Total for meal; 9.5.

Add it all up and it equals 26 POINTS.

Awesome. So my goal for this week is pretty simple. Do my exercises, try to get out for a little extra, and track EVERYTHING. Even if I don’t photograph it all it will all be written in my tracker. And I will weigh in next week on my scale (hopefully new) Sunday Morning.

The rest of the evening we are relaxing and I hope to get some more read of Still Alice. I am on training days tomorrow and Tuesday so I don’t have to wake up so god-awful early.

To tomorrow and beyond!

THE ADMIRAL LAKE LOOP

Wow how time flies… Well Monday I did a double (16 hours) at work for yesterday off, oh the benefits of my job sometimes!

Dean was off yesterday as well so it was perfect. When he got out of the shower he suggested we go for a hike. And he meant a big one. He wanted to do The Admiral Lake Loop. This is part of the Musquodoboit Rail Trail system and 5.5 Km and a difficult rating.  Well I didn’t know that before we left.

So it was really sunny, like amazing and at 9 in the morning it was already warm. I made green smoothies for us for  breakfast with a fried egg and we packed up a lunch for the hike. We got to the trail and started off.

Me at the head of the trail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   The Trail itself

One of our look out destinations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We walked and talked and then found the back country trail head;

 The red is what we did!

We started out and it was alot of up hill. Like I mean I think almost the whole thing was uphill. I wore my Polar and my heart rate was up in the 150’s for most of the trip! First was Skull Rock.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then the Harbour look off and The Cave!

Lunch was shortly after and we had PB&J sandwiches apples and some baked chips! I was pretty tired after that and we were about 3 hours in. We have more pictures and there were alot of rewarding sights to see. However overall it was a challenging hike, and I wouldn’t suggest it to the ill of heart. My feet and legs were completely sore. We got home and napped and then Dean made some amazing chicken and a vegetable salad;

Spaghetti Squash

Green Beans

Carrots

Mushrooms

Very Tasty.

 

The rest of the day was relax and rest up.

Today was back to work and nothing out of the ordinary. I am trying so hard to eat healthy and clean. I can only hope it pays off on the scale Monday!

Making the most of May

That is my new goal. Yesterday was May first and this is what MY Scale showed me;

Keep in mind that my scale is about 5 lbs different then my WW meeting scale.

I am not sure how I feel about this number. I am facing alot of  new obstacles this month. Here are the challenges to my weight loss I can see.

1. Have no gym membership. We have decided to hold off on getting one from anywhere as money is tight and this will give us a bit extra to save up. Once the fall comes we will look into getting another membership somewhere.
2. My husband is now working. This means that he is not cooking as much. This means it’s up to me or mom and neither of us are very good and we both tend to rely on convince food.
3. My husband is now working. This counts as two because it also means I am home by myself on the weekend. Which means I can eat and not feel guilty. This will also be a challenge when he starts working evenings.
4. I am not doing the Bluenose. This was decided because I do not feel ready and I cannot afford to spend money on the registration fee to walk 5K. This has now given me no real goal to work towards.

That is it for now and really its big enough. Here are some of my ideas to fight these challenges.

1. Get on this more often; We bought our bikes last year and were on them a few times. I want to try to get on this at least once a week for at least 30 minuets. This may mean I take it to our local trail or I may attempt our hilly neighbourhood.
2. Meal Plan; This will start tonight. I know my hubby’s schedule and while he may not cook he will be home for supper so I am going to ask him to sit down with me and help me meal plan.
3. Make bulk foods on the weekend. I can cook up some mashed potatoes and veggies on the weekend and make casseroles too. Then have them portioned out for lunches and suppers.
4. Wii Fit with mom. My mom and me can “bond” now that  hubby is working, so on the weekends why not Wii Fit it out!
5. Track, Track, Track, we all know it is a key to success.
6. Keep at running. I don’t want to loose what little I have gained so along with hitting the bike, I want to try to walk/run at least 2 nights a week. I am not planning these nights as it depends on weather.

I feel good about May and having it all laid out. I go WI tomorrow and we will start the process…. again.

Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend!

Good Bye Good Life

Well that just sucks. Me and hubby go to Nubody's or Goodlife they are the same. I have been going quite regularly and enjoy their gyms. Through my job I get a corporate rate. Well that was with Nubodys anyway. Today I get a letter that says my membership will be ending on the 30th (of this month!) due to a conflict in what Goodlife wanted from my work. This totally sucks.. in the biggest way. We cannot afford 2 memberships with regular rates right now, and on top of that they don’t even really give me enough time to do it in.

Just when things are getting good for us something like this goes and screws up my routine. So the way I see it is I have 2 options.

1. I start running outside… not sure if this would happen, I hate my area to even walk in so I am forced to drive to a better area. Some may argue that I drive to the gym, but at the gym I have the ability to change out of workout clothes and I usually am either on my way home or going into the city for more than just working out.

or

2. I suck it up and get a membership for just me for the same price as it is currently for both of us. This is also unlikely because I really enjoy going to the gym with hubby and he enjoys going as well. Also I don’t think I would go as often knowing he was at home. The weekend gym trips would also stop because of the fact that he couldn’t go in.

So there is my dilemma for the day. I am very upset about this as it brings unneeded stress about money, routine, and this whole weight loss thing!

I’mmm Back… Did ya miss me?

Probably not. Any way I have been out for a while, life and such I guess, no real excuse for not blogging just haven't been feeling it really. And honestly I’m not really feeling it right now either I just feel I should. So to catch everyone up here is some pictures of our recent days;

Wow it was all food, that’s interesting, So as you can see I have eaten alot. My weigh in today was a STS. I am ok with that though, and next week hopefully I will do better.

 

In my thoughts  lately have been children, I cannot wait to have kids, I also cant wait to have a house. Dean starts work this week and I can only hope all goes well for him.

 

Also in my thoughts are my parents. My mom mostly she goes for her second heart test tomorrow and I am going with her.  I can’t tell what is more stressful her going for the test or the fact that I have to be with her for it while she can’t have any caffeine or cigarettes.

And last but not least is the fact that my back is killing me and I am really in a fowl mood and not sure why… oh these things called hormones and life!

Down and Out

Wow I have not had much mojo lately… I have been eating everything in sight and somehow managed a 2.2 loss on the scale this week. I don’t know how I did it, and to be honest I don’t deserve it. If any of you have checked out Lynn’s post you will have heard about her Heavy Topic. I have a similar experience. I too am a food addict… only I ham the type that hides my binging. Sunday, for example, I had a piece of cake, in the bathroom, with the door locked.

It is these things that make me a food addict. Hiding my eating when it’s bad, and trying to find ways for more food. I am truly a food addict. I am truly still struggling with this. I don’t know how to fix these behaviours and I have suck anxiety when I am trying to deal with them. That is why I have been MIA, I have been mentally exhausted and frustrated. I have gotten to the gym some how but really just feel down and out. I am fed up with myself and everything about eating and not eating ect.

Ok enough of a rant. I am tracking everything and I am taking my amazing loss and running with it.